Troll Interviews Qasem Soleimani

By order of the Blog Father, I was sent on a special assignment. I literally went to hell and back (not with Gordon Ramsey) to bring you the following interview with recently deceased Iranian General, Qasem Soleimani, henceforth referred to as “Q”. 

Iranian General, Qasem Soleimani

Trolls are known to live under bridges but with the right medicine man, we can even bridge between worlds. Anyway, with a little assist from The Chief, I descended into hell, and sat down for a hard-hitting interview that only the Troll can accomplish.  We touched on many topics, and I can say I may have a future as a journalist!  Here is the interview.

Troll: General, how are you?
Q: Good mourning western maggot.
Troll: How is life down here in Hell?
Q: It is so-so, I met some great people; Hitler, Stalin, Mussolini, Kim Jong Il, Saddam Hussain, and more. However, tell those idiot Democrats that I killed hundreds of thousands!  It’s hard to make friends down here when they call me an innocent martyr!


Troll:  How are the 72 virgins?
Q:  They are all young boys!  The only one happy down here is that Jeffrey Epstein!  I never knew he was a Muslim!  Lots of suicide bombers mad at me, telling me this isn’t what they signed up for!
Troll:  You speak to Epstein often?
Q: Yes, he didn’t kill himself, he told me it was Hillary Clinton.


Troll: What was the last thing that went through your mind the day of your death?
Q:  Well…a missile!  Dumb infidel, but before that…I wondered why that idiot Abu Mohandis set his snapchat to public!  That’s the reason I’m here!

Abu Mohandis


Troll:  Any topics off limits?
Q: None…I’m already in hell, can’t get much worse.
Troll:  What was behind that 4.9 Earthquake near your nuclear power plant?
Q: Michael Moore was going to parachute in and assist us against Trump… apparently his chute didn’t open. The poor infidel. He bounced all the way to Pakistan.
Troll: We recently arrested “Jabba the Jihadi” what can you tell us about him?


Q:  You caught him?  Damn he was the nuclear weapon we had been working on for years to violate the UN deal!  His gravitational pull and size could have wiped out San Francisco… would have ensured Trump’s re-election!
Troll: So, we caught a mastermind?
Q: Yes, and you got lucky it would have taken 15-20 missiles to destroy him.
Troll: What about the Iranian students refusing to stomp on the US and Israeli flags?
Q: Its ok, college students in California will do that instead.
Troll: What’s Saddam like?
Q:  I was bored and suggested we play hangman, he was not happy.

  Q: In addition, Gaddafi has cat fished me on Tindr twice… what kind of man pretends to be a goat! Man he pulled the wool over my eyes again.

Tindr when Romans 1:26 & 27 describes you


Troll: I thought you would learn your lesson after matching with a missile on Tindr?
Q: Funny, watch your back little man…I can order a strike on your wife Hope Hicks at any time.
Troll: But you have no fingers?
Q: Point taken.
Troll: Who are the oddest folks in hell?
Q:  Jim Jones keeps trying to buy me drinks… sorry buddy, I know too much about you.  Also Ted Kennedy wtf, always offering me to ride with him in his Oldsmobile. Dude is always talking about sandwiches and offshore drilling.
Troll:  Anything else you wish to pass on to the outside world?
Q: I have told Khameni I think the infidels are preparing a strike, if they drop that fat bastard Chris Christie on Tehran all will be lost.  Oh, and Ted Bundy… he killed way more than the 30 he confessed to, he was inducted into the Hall of Flame here last week!  That’s our highest recognition for people who never served in government. There’s a special place in Hell for us. Oh, and we have reduced the number of targets in the USA, we have discovered there is no intelligent life in Hollywood, Portland, or Seattle. And besides they like us there.
Troll: Anything else on the way out?
Q: I tried pork… my it is good, and bacon is amazing, pass along to the Muslims to try it!  Also, they are building a skyscraper here for all the Clintons… they will live in infamy here!  Also tell that Brock Turner kid, we are all waiting to kick his A** here in hell for what he did.  Also pass on, we plan to kill the Democrats last!  Also, does Bernie Sanders rub a balloon on his head before he appears in public… wow his hair is wild. Reminds me of the flames down here.  Also, you say it’s the greatest invention since electricity all the time… why is this? 

Crazy Bernie Sander

That Nancy Pelosi could not be more ugly! Sadly, paper bags don’t hold-up well down here so I think she will be in for an eternity of lonely Saturday nights.
Troll: Thanks for the info, any additional interviews planned?
Q: Yes, I am becoming a MSNBC contributor next week. Since the dead overwhelmingly vote Democrat, it only seems right.…. I plan to ask that Rachael Maddow if you hate white men so much why are you trying so hard to look like one?
Troll: Thanks again
Q:  May Allah bless you with eternal life, also I wish you well in your three some with Hope Hicks and Jennifer Aniston! That white dress was really something.

Troll

Biden Leads in Iowa, Sanders and Pocahontas stuck in DC

Told ya! Pelosi’s deny on impeachment was to clear the field for Biden to win Iowa. Here’s the polling data to prove it.

With two weeks to go until the Iowa caucuses, a new poll indicates that former Vice President Joe Biden has a slight edge over his 2020 rivals for the Democratic nomination in the state that kicks off the presidential primary and caucus calendar.

Biden stands at 24 percent support among likely Democratic caucusgoers in Iowa in the survey released Monday by Focus on Rural America…

Sen. Elizabeth Warren of Massachusetts registers at 18 percent, with former South Bend, Ind., Mayor Pete Buttigieg at 16 percent, Sen. Bernie Sanders of Vermont at 14 percent, and Sen. Amy Klobuchar of neighboring Minnesota at 11 percent.

While Biden’s numbers were basically unchanged from the Focus on Rural America’s previous poll – released in September – Warren dropped 5 percentage points, Sanders soared 5 points, Buttigieg jumped 4 points and Klobuchar rose 3 points.

New poll: Biden with slight edge in Iowa with caucuses 2 weeks out

As I understand the impeachment rules, Senators are to be seen but not heard during the presentation of the case against Trump. Also, due to conflict of interest, Sanders, and the other two may be asked to recuse themselves from voting. So, what was that about the Democrats being unified? Lastly, if Sanders and Pocahontas aren’t on the record for an impeachment vote, will that hurt them with their base?

Democrat’s Socialist Revolt hangs by a Thread

Folks, on last night’s conference call with our editorial board, a subject crystalized that needs to be documented; namely, the Broad Squad and socialist insurgent’s future in the Democrat Party hinges on Bernie Sanders. While I believe that no Democrat can beat Donald Trump, except perhaps if there was a complete implosion of the stock market which neither Party wants, whoever is the nominee for the Democrats is the de facto leader of the Party for the next four years. If Sanders loses in the primaries, AOC and company are history.

Bernie Sanders

Let’s break this down.

Previously, we documented that New York Democrats are planning to gerrymander AOC’s district out of existence. New York will lose one Congressional seat in the next census and they are clear that she will be the first to go. Politics is about people and is local and AOC is not a team player with the State Party in New York. Neither is she a team player with the national party as we also documented. If you missed that, AOC is the biggest Dem fundraiser in Congress and won’t pony-up her share of dues to elect other Democrats to Congress. Instead, she is running her own PAC to run candidates against incumbent Democrats. This, in political terms, is the unpardonable sin.

Broad Squad

Other members of the Broad Squad are under investigation by the FBI and other federal agencies for fraud and campaign finance violations. By their behavior, the Broad Squad faces an existential threat to their existence. They also face the threat of declining Congressional representatives in their respective states. They have pinned their hopes and hitched their political wagons to Bernie Sander.

This brings us to impeachment. Nancy Pelosi is balancing several things on the impeachment show. Nancy needs to impeach Trump because much of her caucus wants to do this at any cost, including AOC and her Broad Squad. But why the delay?

Sanders is a sitting Senator and needs to be present at the impeachment show to provide red meat to his base, but the timing keeps him and Pocahontas out of Iowa and other early primary states. If Pelosi had promptly turned over the impeachment to the Senate, Senate leadership had said it would be over by Christmas. Remember that?

Because of the impeachment delay, slow Joe Biden now has a clear field to campaign to his heart’s content with no serious competition in Iowa and other places. Nancy has cleared the decks with this delay to give Biden the best opportunity that he will ever have to establish himself as a frontrunner and seal the deal.

Iowa Counties

The only problem is every time Biden opens his mouth or is near young women, you never know what will happen next. Whatever you think of Biden, he has proven to be a hands-on candidate.

Joe Biden the hands-on Democrat for President

On the flip side, Pelosi needs to put on a good show of going after Trump but cannot let Hunter Biden anywhere near the impeachment show. If Biden Jr. get called, all her work for Joe is for naught.

Hunter & Joe Biden–the Men in Black

If Pelosi loses control of this gambit, her political career is over ever though she will easily be reelected. If Sanders is the eventual nominee, then look for her to resign to spend time with her family or some such excuse. If Republicans retake the House, look for her to resign.

Pelosi must thread the political needle just right to survive. With impeachment she must check all these boxes.

  • Joe Biden must win Iowa and other early primary states.
  • Joe Biden must be the eventual Democrat nominee.
  • Hunter Biden must not testify at the impeachment show.
  • Democrats need to unify and hold the House.
  • AOC, the Broad Squad, and their fellow travelers must go away. Any that remain must pledge fealty to Nancy Pelosi and her leadership team or be persona non grata.

Politics is about power, especially in Washington. Next time you hear that impeachment is about getting Trump, remember my post. Impeachment is about saving Nancy Pelosi and unifying Democrats while eliminating the insurgents in their ranks.

2020 Dems: Seasoned all white meat

Since Cory Booker threw in the towel on his presidential campaign, conservatives has been mocking the remaining field incessantly. Frankly, I think Dinesh D’Souza is gloating and ready to respond with a hearty “told ya.”

Babylon Bee

It started with the Babylon Bee.

DES MOINES, IA—Authorities are warning that a gang of known criminals is currently holding a meeting to debate various plots to steal your money.


The criminals are debating exactly how much of your money to steal. Some are suggesting stealing all of your money, while others would just like to steal most of your money. Whatever the case, they all agree on two things: A.) you have money and B.) it must be stolen.


“I know!” shouted one of the criminals, an older man with frizzy hair, known throughout the criminal underworld as a seasoned veteran when it comes to stealing people’s money.

Warning: Gang Of Known Criminals Holds Meeting To Discuss How Much Of Your Money To Steal

Democrats, however, were unhappy with the news, insisting their party deserved better, more diverse candidates. “These people are all rich, white, privileged scum,” said Bernie Sanders as he rubbed a balloon on his head to prep for the debate. “If my opponents cared at all about diversity, they would drop out and let me win.”


The FCC will soon ask viewers to upgrade to color television in advance of the presidential debates this fall, as the incumbent will require televisions that display a brilliant orange hue.

Reminder: You No Longer Need A Color TV To Watch The Democratic Debates

Talk shows commented too

Then radio talk show host Kevin Jackson piled on.

The other day President Trump held a rally in New Orleans, and a college championship football game broke out.


Not to be outdone, Democrats held a Klan rally where a debate broke out.


Sadly for Democrats, they have nothing to run on. Baby Black Jesus is gone, and secretly Democrats are happy. They showcased their feelings about Obama, as they overlooked two of his proteges, namely Harris and Booker. Both are junior senators, black with no Negro dialects. A chip off the old Obama block. Yet they, and two other blacks get no love from the Party of Lynching Negroes”.

Democrats Latest Klan Rally They Called a ‘Debate

Subway Restaurant Ad

Last night, I noticed that fast food sandwich chain Subway had swerved into the fray too.

It happened like this, I was at guy’s night out watching other folks drink beer and talk about being good husbands to their wives—an honorable goal for a man—when over the shoulder of the pastor was a graphic on the television that said, “Seasoned all white meat.”

Subway Fresh Value Ad Commercial on TV 2020

My first thought was the articles above which I had read and thought what a perfect description of the 2020 Democrat field. How else would you describe them? All the front runners are very old, angry, seasoned citizens, full of preservatives and antibiotics, and everyone is white.

Folks I really don’t care what color someone is because I do agree with MLK that you should judge a person not by the color of their skin but the content of their character—something anathema to Democrats who claim the mantle of this black, Republican minister. Sadly, Democrats only care about your category not your character.

Lindsey Graham Agrees with Us

Yeah, I know when he was hanging out with John McCain that statement would have made me cringe too but since John went to his eternal reward, Lindsey Graham seems to have found his spine—at least on occasion. In a story on Fox New today, Senator Graham validated my basic statement on the Senate and House getting the impeachment nonsense out of the way because President Trump has a speech to give on the House floor February 4th.

“On February the fourth when the president comes into the house chamber to deliver the State of the Union, he will have been acquitted by the Senate, [he will be] the strongest he has been politically.”
–Lindsey Graham

Graham expects ‘bipartisan acquittal for Trump’ in Senate trial
President Donald Trump in Ohio Jan 2020

“By the time the trial is over and we have an election in November, there will be a backlash … I will tell you why,” Graham said. “Most Americans zealously guard the right to pick their own leaders. I think they will hold it against politicians trying to take that away.”


“We will get the House back,” Graham concluded, “the Senate majority … and President Trump will be reelected.”

“The House will be able to make their case for 24 hours. Hopefully, we do this in a couple of days. Then the defense team of the president will make their case based on the record established in the House,” Graham said.


“I hope this is done in about a week and I predict a bipartisan acquittal of President Trump,” he added.

Graham is 100 percent right. Trump will be acquitted and the backlash from flyover country will be mind boggling to the Democrats. Pelosi will be put out to pasture and then the fun will begin. If the Broad Squad is able to take out a few incumbent Democrats along the way, they just might shift their party even more to the Left. Can you saw overreach?

Broad Squad

Meanwhile, the impeachment show is the 2020 Presidential campaign. If they can’t cripple Trump and separate him from his base, they have no chance. The words of our good friend of the blog—good friend because she gives us so much material to poke fun at both here and on social media— Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez a.k.a. (AOC)’s words still ring as true now as they did when she said them last November:

“At the end of the day, we have to be able to come together as a caucus, and if it is this Ukrainian allegation that is what brings the caucus together, then I think we have to run with however we unify the House,” Ocasio-Cortez told Wolf Blitzer…

AOC Says Impeachment Necessary to Unite Dems, Stop ‘Potential Compromise of the 2020 Election’
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez cheering on her party

Impeachment isn’t about removing Trump, this is their way to unite Democrats and try to nationalize the election. Unlike Newt and the gang back when Clinton was President, Democrats don’t want to unite their party with ideas or a platform but with raw hatred. However, as Rush Limbaugh pointed out many years ago, you can’t live on an emotion because you can’t genuinely sustain it. Most people want their lives, their country, and their world to be better for the next generation not live to burn it down because they lost one election four years ago.

The irony is, if Democrats followed the Constitution, it wouldn’t matter who was President because what happened in Washington wouldn’t affect your daily life. But of course, if we followed the Constitution, there wouldn’t be any need for a fulltime person in Congress and thus no career politicians. Without fulltime politicians, there is no need for Democrats.

Johnnie Does: Gorditos Vindication

Loyal readers, I have heard it all during my short couple years here at the blog as a restaurant critic. I’m too harsh, not harsh enough, we even had a comment from a local franchisee trying to defend his now defunct chain of BBQ joints. I have driven up sales at a local Mediterranean place, and driven one place completely out of business, let’s just say, do not mess with me or take me lightly.

I want to re-visit my last review of a new Mexican place, Gorditos! To update you, they now have a sign so they appear quasi legitimate, and while the décor is still completely lacking, and the chairs are still stacked in the corner, the fact they were still open for business as of today is an accomplishment. Either that or the landlord hasn’t had enough time to legally change the locks for non-payment yet.

Now to the point of this article, I checked out Gorditos’ reviews on Yelp. While I am aware that Yelp can be manipulated, and you are far more likely to write a bad review then a good one, but take a gander.

Gorditos summary per Bing

Yep, just look at those reviews.

Confused ••• this was the Freebirds building, .. but now its Gorditos? which still has all of the Freebirds decor and food? Except the standard dropped way lower? Whoever the new owner Is needs to reevaluate. Everything feels dead in there. The vibe and customer service is completely gone. only some of the food options, the building is tore up and just isnt welcoming, Oh and not to mention the awkward silence of having no music. Alo they have a huge beyond meat sign on there window but yet they dont serve beyond meat? Im completely at a loss for words that our beloved Freebirds is gone and that THIS was supposed to be its replacement…its a joke. Not recommended.

Yeah um the second I walked in it was bleak and the environment is no fun at all. It would be fine tho if my food was good. Spoiler alert! It wasn’t. The steak was burnt. They scraped the hard as hell rice into my burrito. The guacamole was brown. My tortilla wasn’t even cooked all the way!! It was disgusting. I was starving so I ate a third of it but couldn’t even finish. This will make great dog food for my puppy though. I feel like my soul has been sucked out of me after being in there just one of the most draining experiences of my life. And there was literally no one in the restaurant! So how are you running out of product when you have nothing to do?! Absolutely perplexing. 0mg now my stomach is starting to ache after eating that thing. Yeah don’t go here. Run!

This was my first time dining here or should I say attempting to dine here. I was shocked by how expensive everything on the menu was but I still decided to try it out. The restaurant was completely out of white rice two hours before closing and the little steak they did have looked charred and over cooked. I decided to pass on eating here. The friend I came with however, did order a burrito. She said the rice was hard, the meat was burnt, and that she didn’t know you could mess up a burrito. I will not be returning to Gorditos.

They are harsh and mirror my experience to a point; however, I didn’t think the food was that bad. Vindication is greatly appreciated and should lend credence to a lot of my reviews on this blog in the future.

Looks like I might be killing off another very below average establishment.

Johnnie Does

Preparations Today, Impeachment Tomorrow—Yawn

Nancy Pelosi and the boys in the House are expected to send the articles of impeachment to the Senate as soon as tomorrow. Reportedly, House Democrats are meeting today to decide what to do being as they never got this far with Richard Nixon and they aren’t totally sure what comes next.

Unconfirmed reports from Capitol Hill insiders say that Democrats are playing musical chairs to such inspirational tunes as “Baby Shark” to decide who gets to grandstand on the cable networks and present their case to the American people. Being that this is an election year, those in swing state districts that Trump is leading are being discouraged from participating.

Democrats seek inspiration from Grandma Shark, Nancy Pelosi

Another contentious issue faced by House members in going forward with the prosecution of President Trump is negotiations with the Senate. These negotiations are reportedly delicate and complex in nature. A few such examples are listed below.

When on camera, House members want their names displayed during the live broadcast in several languages including Spanish, Farsi, and Chinese; plus a deaf interpreter inserted in the broadcast. Since they will accept nothing less than the ultimate penalty for the President, they want Trump’s name shown only in Hebrew, Aramaic, and Greek. (Harvard Law Professor Laurence Tribe assured Democrats that there is common law precedent for crucifixion when accusations are written in Hebrew, Aramaic, and Greek.)

Laurence Tribe–Harvard Law guy

During the broadcast, there is a chance that viewers might see bottled water in front of participants of the trial. This became a thorny problem since the Senate commissary is run by union employees and they have an exclusive contract supplying the Senate’s proceedings. Since no impeachment endorsement deal could be reached with a bottled water manufacturer, and potential conflicts with existing union vendors, some changes will be made. An additional complication was that some House members felt being seen with plastic bottles would promote pollution of the world’s oceans. Thus it was agreed that labels would be removed from the water and the smaller size bottles would be used so there was less likelihood of them being seen on TV. AOC tried to amend the agreement to allow open containers but was shot down by leadership.

Reluctantly, House prosecutors agreed to the Senate demand to limit the length of each prosecution question to five minutes and the witness answer to thirty seconds. Being this is the Senate, this rule will not apply to Senators.

Also at issue is which beloved jurist should preside over the trial. Chief Justice John Roberts has been negotiating for a way to get out of appearing. It turns out that Roberts is a big supporter of the current ban on television cameras in proceedings involving the Supreme Court. By tradition, the Court members are seen but not heard at the State of the Union show each year.

Chief Justice John Roberts

Insiders claim that Roberts had suggested both Judges Judy and Napolitano but Senate leader Mitch McConnell objected. Radio talk show host Mark Levin refused to leave his undisclosed bunker to preside over the affair so in the end, nobody wants Robert’s job.

Mark Levin declined to preside

While all this is happening, NPR reported that Senator Cory Booker is planning to pay a visit to the House Democrat caucus to pass out impeachment participation awards to the entire caucus. This is in addition to the t-shirts crafted by Mitch McConnell which will be given to each House member that visits the Senate for the trial.

Photo courtesy Babylon Bee

Lastly, on his radio show today, Mark Levin did remind House and Senate leaders to hurry this process to its conclusion because Trump is already booked at the House for the State of the Union speech on February 4, 2020.

Troll Reports After a Weekend Watching Aljazeera

I got two dispatches from the Troll over the weekend. Apparently, he’s been watching a pirate feed of Aljazeera on his parent’s satellite or visiting the “Dark Web” but he had some interesting news that you may not have heard.

Muslim Brotherhood Communication Intercepted

Urgent…

Live from the command desk at Reallyright.com we have been able to intercept an urgent communication that has far reaching impact on the United States and our way of life. Please take this warning for what it is worth.

Cairo—“The Muslim Brotherhood has officially warned the United States that if they continue to meddle in Syria, Egypt, Libya, Iran, Iraq, and Afghanistan that they will immediately cut off America’s supply of 7-11 and Motel 6 managers. If the United States continues to meddle, the sanctions will get progressively worse, as cab drivers will be next. If the situation is not diffused by that time, call center operators will be next starting with: Dell, AT&T, and AOL. Comcast reps will be next.”

Folks this is going to get ugly really, really quickly,

May God help us all…..

Iowa Primary Update

Qasem Soleimani has risen to 12 percent in the most recent Iowa polling commissioned by CNN and NPR. Soleimani is the only remaining candidate in the Democrat field with military experience. He recently got the endorsement of all members of the Broad Squad after they learned that he hates Israel as much as they do. The general also got a huge boost with Democrat voters last week after CNN reports encouraged Democrats to buy American flags to fly them at half-mast in his honor. With Cory Booker out now, look for Soleimani’s numbers to climb even higher.

The Troll

Ham for Lunch

Yesterday, I did something that I’ve never done before, I went to a lunch where Ham was the featured item. Folks this is very rare for me. You see, as a rule, I really avoid any kind of ham. About every four years you’ll catch me with a sliver of the Honey Baked Ham but otherwise it’s a nonstarter.

Yesterday however was different. I loaded the family into the car and drove all the way to Modesto for a special lunch. You see Ham was featured but not on the menu. No, the menu was actually BBQ meat–pork or beef–and chicken, rice, BBQ veggies, salad, and so forth. It was served buffet style at Big Valley Grace Community Church.

The event was a fundraising presentation by Answers in Genesis (AIG). This is the second such event that we’ve been invited to attend, the other being last spring in Stockton.

Answers in Genesis is a group that is built on the premise that the Bible is true. While this sounds like something most Christians claim in their denomination’s statement of faith, in reality, most folks put a mental asterisk next to such a claim. They have dumbed-down the Scriptures and the faith so that they don’t conflict with whatever thing is popular today. If the Bible is in conflict, it gets jettisoned in favor of popular culture. Believing there is a separation between secular and sacred is such a false dilemma. Trying to reconcile evolution and Genesis is another.

AIG rightly understands that if you deny six-day creation, Adam’s Fall, and Noah’s Flood, and reduce them to allegory and myth, then eventually you will deny all supernatural claims of Scripture including the virgin birth and bodily resurrection of Christ.

What I find amazing is that folks that don’t believe in any of the supernatural claims of the Bible continue to call themselves Christian. Sadly, some of them occupy the pulpits of formerly orthodox denominations that are now on the forefront of schism and heresy.

The speaker at yesterday’s event was AIG founder Ken Ham. Ham talked about his organization, the tourist destination that his group has built, and the witness that they are making for Christ and biblical inerrancy.

Ken Ham
Modesto, CA 01-11-2020

He also spoke briefly of how he got involved in the issue of defending Genesis. He credits his parents for teaching him apologetics, even though they never used that word.

I was happy that he credited Whitcomb and Morris’s book The Genesis Flood as being influential on him. This book had a profound impact on me when I read it in junior high school. I have tried with varying degrees of success to get others to read it too. If you only read two other books in your life besides the Bible, they should be the Genesis Flood and Kingdom of the Cults by Walter Martin.

Ham made a point of repeatedly saying that it is the church that has failed the culture and needs reformation. Until we stand on the Word, we will have no impact on the world around us. He views his mission as equipping believers with the tools to withstand the many attacks on the faith that are brought to bear by those around us.

AIG’s Ark Encounter

The meeting closed and we were asked to see the guys at the back table if we were interested in contributing. We had a family photo taken with Ham and thanked him for his work.

ReallyRight Jr., Ken Ham, William & Mrs. William

I then went to the back table and turned in the paperwork, giving my usual amount and had them spread it out over many payments. In exchange I got the appropriate swag bag and their thanks.

I’m glad that Ken Ham and others are being a witness to those around us that He is There and He is not Silent—as Francis Schaeffer used to say.

Digging Theological Holes at Christmas

This blog is the result of a recent discussion about Mary, the mother of Jesus.

For the past two years, my family has been worshipping as part of a conservative Lutheran congregation. Last weekend, I was invited to a church related event held in someone’s home. Part of the discussion was about the life of Jesus.

Except for one incident about Jesus visiting Jerusalem at age twelve, all we know of his life is centered on either his birth or subsequent ministry at the age of 30. Nevertheless, within the gospels are interspersed a few nuggets concerning his background and that of his earthly family.

At the event last weekend, I think I conducted myself well—theologically speaking—during most of the discussion except in one area where stepped in it. Below is a more reasoned and thorough discussion of some of the controversial topics discussed that evening.

Note to readers: I’m going to deal with today’s subjects in terms of the Roman Catholic and Protestant branches of Christianity, while I think the Orthodox folks would mostly agree with Rome, I’m not familiar enough with their theology to say for certain. As is typical on my blog, all verses are from KJV.

Mary and Joseph

I think I’m on fairly safe ground when I say that Mary was young when she became the mother of Jesus. I’m not aware of any dispute in the historic church on this point. However, Joseph is another matter altogether. Joseph is sometimes portrayed as being near the same age as Mary but many Protestants and virtually all of Rome would disagree. The prima facie proof that Joseph was much older than Mary is that Joseph is never mentioned by name after Jesus’ visit to the temple at age twelve.

And when he was twelve years old, they went up to Jerusalem after the custom of the feast. And when they had fulfilled the days, as they returned, the child Jesus tarried behind in Jerusalem; and Joseph and his mother knew not of it.
Luke 2: 42-43

Ok, but what about Jesus’ family? He was not an only child.

Brothers and Sisters

Jesus’ siblings were mentioned in a few different places.

And when he was come into his own country, he taught them in their synagogue, insomuch that they were astonished, and said, Whence hath this man this wisdom, and these mighty works? Is not this the carpenter’s son? is not his mother called Mary? and his brethren, James, and Joses, and Simon, and Judas? And his sisters, are they not all with us? Whence then hath this man all these things? And they were offended in him. But Jesus said unto them, A prophet is not without honour, save in his own country, and in his own house.
Matthew 13:54-57

Same account from Mark’s gospel.

And he went out from thence, and came into his own country; and his disciples follow him. And when the sabbath day was come, he began to teach in the synagogue: and many hearing him were astonished, saying, From whence hath this man these things? and what wisdom is this which is given unto him, that even such mighty works are wrought by his hands? Is not this the carpenter, the son of Mary, the brother of James, and Joses, and of Juda, and Simon? and are not his sisters here with us? And they were offended at him. But Jesus said unto them, A prophet is not without honour, but in his own country, and among his own kin, and in his own house.
Mark 6:1-4

The wedding at Cana–Jesus’ first miracle.

After this he went down to Capernaum, he, and his mother, and his brethren, and his disciples: and they continued there not many days.
John 2:12

Wedding at Cana

Below is a summary of other mentions in the New Testament of Jesus’ mother and siblings.

Jesus’ brothers, sisters & mother

Jesus’ siblings are mentioned as accompanying Jesus and his mother to Capernaum after the marriage at Cana (John 2:12). Later Mary and these brothers are recorded as seeking an audience with Jesus (Matthew 12:46-50; Mark 3:31-35; Luke 8:19-21). Toward the end of Jesus’ ministry, His brethren are mentioned as urging Jesus to prove His Messiahship, which they themselves doubted (John 7:3-5). That they were later converted is clear, for they are described in Acts as uniting with the disciples and others in “prayer and supplication” prior to Pentecost (Acts 1:13-14). Paul implies that they were all married (1 Corinthians 9:5).

Many commentators hold that the author of the epistle of Jude, who identifies himself as the “brother of James,” was one of these brothers (Jude 1). It is also generally believed that the leader of the church at Jerusalem was James the brother of Jesus, (see Acts 12:17; 15:13). This seems to be confirmed by Paul’s reference to his visit to Jerusalem, in which he states that he saw only Peter, and “James, the Lord’s brother” (Galatians 1:18-19).

Did Jesus have any brothers, sisters or siblings?

Rome and some Protestants believe that the brothers and sisters mentioned above were not Mary’s biological offspring but Joseph’s from a previous marriage, making them all half siblings. They assert that Joseph was a widower that then wed a much younger woman. Some of you may wonder why it matters and others will jump to where I’m going next.

Mary: a Perpetual Virgin?

You see, some maintain that Mary was and remained a virgin throughout her entire life. Thus they need for the four brothers and unknown number of sisters of Jesus to be someone else’s children.

I first encountered this issue about fifth grade. I went to a Catholic elementary school and my Religion class was taught by nun. I was a Catholic at the time but had run across some folks that got me to read the Bible for myself. I brought this passage to my teacher and she was horrified.

“Is not this the carpenter’s son? is not his mother called Mary? and his brethren, James, and Joses, and Simon, and Judas? And his sisters, are they not all with us?”

In fact her response to this and other questions I brought to her that year was that we needed to leave biblical interpretation up to priests and bishops. She stated that lay folks were not capable of understanding the Bible on their own. She stated furthermore that if we began reading the Bible for ourselves, we might become heretics like Martin Luther.

FYI that was the first time I had ever heard the name, Martin Luther.

Folks remember that she was my teacher for a class to instruct me in Christianity—Roman style—and that was her view!

My Dissent

Folks I dissent on the claim that Mary was perpetually a virgin. There is simply no biblical warrant for such an idea. There are biblical passages on the issue but why let them get in the way of something that you need to be in there because of your presuppositions on celibacy?

Let’s skip my opinion and jump right into the Bible.

Then Joseph being raised from sleep did as the angel of the Lord had bidden him, and took unto him his wife: And knew her not till she had brought forth her firstborn son: and he called his name JESUS.
Matthew 1:24 & 25

Oh, the King James Bible usage of the word “knew” in this passage means the same as it does in Genesis 4:1. (For purists, I’m arguing the KJV is consistent in the way they translate this idea of marital relations. I’m fully aware that NT was Greek while Genesis was originally Hebrew.)

And Adam knew Eve his wife; and she conceived, and bare Cain, and said, I have gotten a man from the LORD.

Knew in Strong’s is #1097 in Greek. If you look it up you will find “3. By a Hebraistic euphemism…is used of the carnal connection of male and female

Graphic from Bible Study Tools

And the final nail in the perpetual virginity coffin is a quote from Mary herself.

Then said Mary unto the angel, How shall this be, seeing I know not a man?
Luke 1:34

Strong’s citation of #1097 indicates that the same word is used in both passages, Matthew 1:25 and Luke 1:34. Thus Mary didn’t have sexual relations with Joseph until after Jesus was born which is just what Matthew says. Any speculation about Jesus’ siblings being from a previous relationship of Joseph or Mary being a perpetual virgin do violence to the clear reading of the gospels.

So far, I think I’ve been on strong (pardon the pun) theological ground; however, I then got myself off of firm ground and out on a limb.

Did Jews call Jesus a bastard?

The short answer is yes, but my question was when? And why?

The Talmud seems to reference Jesus and when it does, in an unfavorable light, but whether these references are original or later edits is debatable. If you wish to wade into this question, see Jesus in the Talmud However, at some point, Jesus was accused of being the offspring of Mary and a roman soldier.

Does the New Testament indicate that Jesus’ critics made such accusations? At the event last week, I asserted that they did and of course was challenged. At the time, I couldn’t find a biblical reference. Later I did find the passage where the Jews called Jesus a bastard.

They answered and said unto him, Abraham is our father. Jesus saith unto them, If ye were Abraham’s children, ye would do the works of Abraham. But now ye seek to kill me, a man that hath told you the truth, which I have heard of God: this did not Abraham.
Ye do the deeds of your father.
Then said they to him, We be not born of fornication; we have one Father, even God.
John 8:39-41

The phrase “We be not born of fornication” is the textbook definition of “bastard”– a person born of parents not married to each other. Was this a shot at the parentage of Jesus or his theology? Both?

Pharisees

At least one Gospel writer indicates the possibility…

And Jesus himself began to be about thirty years of age, being (as was supposed) the son of Joseph…
Luke 3:23

Is there more evidence?

However, besides this one account of Jesus being called a bastard, the New Testament is silent on the issue… unless you can fit it in ambiguous verses like the one below.

And when they had blindfolded him, they struck him on the face, and asked him, saying, Prophesy, who is it that smote thee? And many other things blasphemously spake they against him.
Luke 22: 64 & 65

While it’s probable that the Roman soldiers called Jesus such names and worse, there is no explicit account of that in the Bible. If the soldiers did say derogatory things about Jesus’ parentage, it was just harassment of the condemned, as they would not know of the story of his virgin birth.

Also, in the verses quoted above about Jesus being “the carpenter’s son” and “Mary, his mother”, nothing indicates that the people that Jesus encountered during his ministry questioned his origins. If they had, it would have been a continuing source of harassment his entire life.

The testimony of the genealogies given in the gospel is that Jesus has a rightful claim to the throne of David both thru the linage of Joseph and Mary. Were he a bastard, this claim would be void and grounds to reject his claim as King of the Jews.

The Annunciation

So why was I so wrong?

At last week’s gathering, I was wrong in my assertion that Jesus (and Mary) had to contend with rumors that Mary had become pregnant by someone other than Joseph. On this point I was wrong but I’m not alone.

After reflecting on the topic, I remembered where I’ve heard this claim of Jesus being called a bastard. I took this as true because I’ve heard it stated many times in the context of discussing the life issue. We, prolifers, want to try to relate our faith with women that find themselves in a crisis pregnancy. We try to make a connection between Mary being poor, single, and pregnant as a bridge to the situation these women are in so we can convince them to “save their baby.”

Our argument goes much like this: We say Mary was poor and disadvantaged. She faced disruption of her life and risked the social stigma attached to being pregnant. Her situation was much like yours now. Were Mary in your situation and chose abortion then Jesus would never be born. Thus, we argue, be like Mary, choose life for your baby.

Journey to Bethlehem

I think this idea is based in part on distorting verses like “For we have not an high priest which cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities; but was in all points tempted like as we are, yet without sin.” (Hebrews 4:15) and “Himself took our infirmities, and bare our sicknesses” (Matthew 8:17).

In our zeal to be relevant and persuasive on the life issue, we find ourselves making theological pretzels by trying to force the Bible to say something that it does not. We desperately want to make the point that Jesus loves and understands both the pregnant woman and her unborn child because he and his family went thru the same life events that the young woman is now facing.

While the sentiment is understandable, it is not biblical. We have forced the text to fit an emotional argument that we want to make, to fit an emotional situation, that yields a rational result.

Sounds good but…

Here is a typical example of a different but related argument that I have often heard. I got this example from my handy internet search engine. The author is referring to Deuteronomy 22:20-29.

As you can see, the status of betrothal was almost identical to the status of a married woman. A betrothed woman who lay with a man that was not her intended husband, was punished as if she had committed adultery.


Mary of Nazareth, unwed and pregnant, knew the punishment she faced—stoning. She had nothing but the story of an angel to tell her parents and Joseph, the man she had promised to marry. Joseph would have been well within his rights—even within his duty—to expose her sin and witness her execution.


It was only with the intervention of an angel and Joseph’s own faith-filled acceptance of the angel’s message, that saved both Mary’s life and the life of her unborn baby, the Incarnation of God.


Mary knew exactly what she would face in her home and community after she said her faith-filled “Let it be done to me according to your word” to the visiting angel. And still, she said yes. She trusted that God would take care of her, and he did, through her holy husband Joseph.

Unwed and Pregnant in Ancient Israel?

This is a classic proof that equates Mary’s situation with a crisis pregnancy in modern day America.

Stoning of Stephen

Was Jesus’ birth really an unplanned pregnancy?

In a rebuttal to this idea is the following:

There is a popular meme making the rounds on social media that attempts to make a clever point about the importance of being open to life. Showing an image of the Nativity, the meme states, “One unplanned pregnancy saved us all.” The problem is that not only is the meme untrue, but it reduces a sublime and divine event to a common and mundane situation.


The fact of the matter is that the Incarnation was the most “planned” pregnancy in all of human history, and NOT just from God’s perspective. After writing a post on Facebook about this meme, explaining that the plan for the Incarnation was established at the very beginning, a lot of discussion ensued, most particularly focused on whether Mary had planned on having a baby or not.

The Blessed Virgin Mary did NOT have an ‘unplanned’ pregnancy

But the question continues to be raised as to whether or not Mary’s surprise at Gabriel’s greeting and subsequent explanation of the Incarnation constitutes an “unplanned” pregnancy.

Truth cannot be based on a lie, distortion, or misstatement. We are on the right side on the life issue but misrepresenting our God, His Word, or our faith to score points at the local clinic is not the path we should choose. We can communicate God’s love to both the woman and her baby without the sentimentality of recasting the faith into something that it is not. We are challenged to “taste and see that the Lord is good” (Psalm 34:8) and that doesn’t require any artificial sweeteners to be added.

Conclusion

It is wrong to claim that Mary was perpetually a virgin and/or equate the virgin birth of Jesus with a “crisis pregnancy.” Many well-meaning folks make both claims. Lastly, no internal evidence in the New Testament exists that a shadow hung over Jesus or Mary as a result of the virgin birth. In my mind if such were the case, Jesus would be confronted with it during his public ministry or during the various trials held prior to his crucifixion.