Really Right

This clear reference to the movie War Games (1983) should be rather obvious. The point of the movie was that when faced with nuclear war, the best move was not to play. Of course, the movie was made while Ronald Reagan was President. Liberals hated Reagan and thought him a warmongering “cowboy” for opposing the Soviet Union; a government that many of them admired. War Games got a very lengthy standing ovation when it premiered at the Canne Film Festival.

While invoking War Games might seem a stretch to some, my conclusion when analyzing my current conflict with my church was that there is a life lesson to be found in the idea that sometimes avoiding a confrontation is best. Anyone that is happily married knows what I mean.

I originally drafted this blog just a few hours before appearing before my church’s board. If you find me changing time tenses, that is probably why.

In their particular parlance, this group is called “The Session”. They are the judicial body of my local congregation. These are the guys that meet out justice as they see fit. Twice in the last year they have excommunicated members for adultery and followed it up by declaring the other spouse fit to remarry. Except for politicians and country music singers, adultery is usually viewed as something bad. Having this group taking an interest in my love life is not a good sign.

I have had friends excommunicated from their churches for dating women from the wrong or unapproved church denomination before. I have seen abuse of heavy-handed dealings with folks for just being honest that they wanted to leave and go to a different church. I have even seen pronouncements of excommunication for people that never attended services and were certainly never church members. My wife and I have also been beaten up by churches that we have attended in the past. I made a vow that I would never again yield any part of my life to one of these judicial boards or to a pastor in any church. I will never voluntarily put myself on any path that might ever lead to church discipline or excommunication, never ever!

I repeatedly told these guys that I am perfectly willing to discuss my relationship with my girlfriend over a meal at any local watering hole but that I do not want to appear before “The Session.” If I’m called before a judicial body to give an account of my personal life, then I’m in trouble. That seems obvious to me.

They keep saying that they “have a few questions” for me. Hey guys, you know where I live, you have my phone number, and email address. I’m retired and don’t have much of a life so I’m rather available for a casual lunch or dinner.

But No. It must be ASAP, and it must be before this body; then they say I have nothing to worry about! Guys, I wasn’t born yesterday. This cover story is not credible. If they want to speak with me, the church is having a Christmas potluck in a few days, why not ask me your questions there?

If I go to this meeting and then answer their questions, then obviously they will then draw a conclusion from the information that I provide, and then the next step is a determination. Determination is another word for rendering judgement. Any judgment issued will then include a follow-up to their conclusion to see if I’m obeying them or going a different way. If I go a different way, then it is implied that they will then jerk my chain and I will again have to appear before them. Thus, like most things in life, my appearance is not a destination but the beginning of a process with no clear or predefined endpoint. This sounds like politics to me.

Oh, what about Matthew 18: 15-17 about going to your brother if he has a fault. Well, that doesn’t apply. First, because I haven’t offended anybody in my congregation, unless not liking me dating someone is a crime, and second because there is an exception to this biblical mandate in the Book of Discipline. If “The Session” originates the charge against someone then the process in Matthew is not required.

Also, did you know that there is no Fifth Amendment in the Bible? Yep, you can be hung on the basis of your own words. So even if they don’t have anything on me when I walk in the door, they can hang me on the basis of what I say in their presence. Thus, the command to appear before them is a fishing license to find a charge to hit me with. To appear is to grant them a blank check to find a charge even where none existed before.

Oh, on a previous post on this subject, an anonymous comment was made that I did not allow on the blog just because it was not signed. Said comment quoted a verse in Proverbs. I would like to comment on that verse now.

Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety. Proverbs 11:14.

First, the verse is directed at leaders of men, would it be a stretch to think this is advice from one king (Solomon) to another (like maybe his sons). But let’s allow that all folks need counselors and see if it applies in this situation.

 Are the men in my church that are on “The Session” my trusted friends that really know me and what’s on my heart?

Is this situation a meeting of equals? 

Do I see these guys as my circle of counselors?

Nope. Just because someone knows my name does not make them my friend. My wife may have felt that way about everyone that she met, but I do not. I’ve had a handful of true friends in my life; probably about ten individuals. With the exception of the Sith Lord, who dumped me when I was no longer useful to him, I’ve kept the rest of them in my life. True, I don’t see my friends every day or even every year, but our lives are linked, and I trust them and our relationship goes on. When we are together, we pick up right where we left off the last time that we were together.

There is only one guy in my congregation that I am friendly with, and he is not on this board. He also does not know, or even want to know, all the nitty gritty details of my life. We have some things in common and as a result, spend time together. I would describe him as a casual friend.

This is not to say that I dislike the other men in my church; it’s that we have never gotten to know each other very well. We are not actively part of each other’s lives. It is something between presumption and hubris for them to claim to act as my counselors when I appear before them assembled as “The Session.”

No, in “The Session,” they are my betters, and I am the inferior person. This is not a meeting of Christian brothers, equals, or friends. By its very nature, this is an adversarial meeting.

When I walked into the meeting today, I greeted the four people in attendance and shook their hands. The guy from Boise didn’t make the meeting but after about a ten-minute delay, the other fellow finally logged in on Zoom. Once all five people were assembled, the meeting was opened. I was invited to join them at the table, but I did not. Instead, I announced that I was resigning my membership. One of the people then quipped, but you have to appear here because you’re a member. Then I said, “I’m not doing this” and left.

Just so you know, I spent the better part of a week crafting this long speech about my relationship with my girl and all the pertinent details that I was going to offer as a defense and I scrapped it completely. Yep, nine pages of reasoning and airtight logic that will never see the light of day unless I post it separately (which I currently have no plans to do).

So why just quit?

First, they are wrong and out of line. While true, I know I can never convince them of that or this blog post would never exist.

Second, I would rather part as casual friends than adversaries or combatants.

Third, this is a really small town, and we all need to continue to live here after this is over. Folks, most guys living here won’t believe it, but there are high schools in other states that have a bigger population than this town. 2,300 is not a lot of people to be rubbing shoulders with on a daily basis.

Fourth, why should I stay in a group that is hell bent on stringing me up? If I dodge the gallows this time, what will prevent them from trying it again in the future? If not me, then who will they go after next?

Lastly, the closer I got to this meeting, the more the scares of my previous dust-up in a Presbyterian church began to open. Unresolved wounds are the ones you carry the deepest hoping to suppress them. When they burst forth and the new situation is pumping vast amounts of salt into them, the more the pain is renewed and intensified. This steeled my resolve that I would not willingly enter into another opportunity for a church’s leadership to sit in judgement of me. Were my wife still alive, I believe she would support me in this feeling (of course, we’re here because she is not).

This whole thing is so stupid. The church has already lost about one third of their membership this year (this is a conservative estimate) and they want to cap off the year with my scalp too. They are bleeding members and money. Maybe they need to get a clue that some things are not right. Again, they can never be convinced of that and it’s not my job.

In summary, had they come to me as a fellow brother in Christ and not treated me as their inferior, I might be there next Sunday. They have wasted the greatest advantage that they once had, goodwill and trust. Sadly, that has been laid waste because they were too proud to ask me out for a casual meal and then speak their mind.

Yep, me having a girlfriend is too much for the board at my church. I have been summoned because they are “concerned.” Please understand that this is not a casual chat. No, all the voting members are scheduled to attend. Two members, including one that lives almost 400 miles away, are scheduled to attend via Zoom.

I had asked for an informal setting, like maybe over a burger and beverage of your choice but learned that was not an option. If chatting is all this meeting is about, then a casual setting should be in order; however, I have been led to believe that they have other plans. I was assured by one board member, “I’m not up for excommunication just yet” or words to that effect. It was implied that lesser punishments were the likely outcome.

I also asked, why not meet after Christmas? Why the urgency? I was told sorry; we need to do this now.

Given my 35 plus years of experience in and around California Republican politics and the CRA, I know when you are about to reenact the Ides of March. Oh, FYI, in religious politics, it is called “churchmanship” not church politics.

I have had about ten days of waiting for this confrontation. In that time, I have gone over the likely issues that might be raised. Frankly, I don’t see any grounds that can be raised to summon me there. I have tried keeping three board members, including the pastor in the loop of what is happening, specifically for the purpose of avoiding this very action. Clearly my request/promise to him “to give me the grace to get through this and everything will be ok” has not been honored.

I already have a good idea of the likely issues that will be raised. Since June I have been probing various members of the board on their thoughts on various issues that I expected to encounter while hunting for a wife; this was long before I met my future new bride.

What they don’t understand is that I am working through the plan that was formulated about the time my wife was buried in May. Like any plan, once the battle ensued, field adjustments were necessary, but the plan has gone forward, and a successful conclusion is within sight.

I have always been looking for a wife. I have only been looking for marriage minded women, not a quick romp in the sack, or a movie night date. As mentioned, many times on my posts about dating, as a group, American women in the 40 years and older category are a mess and mostly a toxic bunch. I don’t want to finance their mistakes in love, student loans, credit cards, etc.

Zero people that know me or my wife have offered me a single name, no matter how ridiculous, to ask out for a date; but when I fend for myself and pick a nice Christian woman all hell breaks loose. Clearly, they don’t know of anybody or I think, as much as everyone is trying to be in my business now, that I would have heard from them. FYI it’s too late now, I found my next wife.

Two more things have been bubbling out about the church fathers wanting to make me an offer that I can’t refuse.

One is related to the idea that it’s too soon to get married again. Says who? Oh yeah, a bunch of married people gladly giving a single guy the advice not to get married. Guess they don’t want me to suffer by being married like they are. This tells me that they aren’t too happy about having a bride. Just sayin’.

Sorry I loved being married and would do it again in a heartbeat. I find it really sad that Christian people have such a hangup on the idea that marriage can’t be fun. Biblically, it is our proper role in the universe so why not enjoy it? (Can you tell that Charlie Kirk is not influential in these circles?)

Second, right before my road trip to the Philippines, my pastor hands me a tract on grief. If I didn’t know better, I would say he was talking to my mom. I read said booklet last night. It covered no new ground or anything that I hadn’t heard before. One nugget in there was the timeframe for people grieving: three months to one year. As stated previously, I have known that Sheryl would die for four years before it finally happened. My wife and I countered down the last time we will get to have a birthday, Christmas, New Years, Valentines Day, etc. The private hell that I went through was horrible and I don’t wish that experience on anybody, but to deny that I have been dealing with the loss is beyond stupid and borderline evil.

The richest irony in all this is that my attendance at this particular church was due to my wife. Going to this church was her idea and literally the only thing left in my life that we used to do together. Now the church wants to take that away from me too, in part because according to them, I did not grieve her properly! All I have left in my weekly activity that I shared with my wife is being forcibly removed from me at this Wednesday (tomorrow) meeting. Ironically, by the church where she wanted to worship and set down roots. WTF?

I have easily lost over 40 hours of sleep in the last week trying to find a way to solve this mess. I finally settled on a solution today. I won’t tip my hand as to what I chose but I have peace about Wednesday’s meeting.

 My biggest frustration is that I like many of the people involved in this ill-conceived intervention. They are about nine months too late to have a talk with me. Just because they mostly left me alone when I was grieving, and therefore didn’t witness it in vivid detail, doesn’t mean it never happened. Lastly, none of them have walked in my shoes but dare to know better! Really? I thought the Good Book covered that topic too.

Lyric above were used to introduce the gossip segment of the old TV show Hee Haw. They seem appropriate when introducing a post about getting into someone else’s business.

Sadness.  Anger. Pathetic.  These are words I won’t use to call out the losers who are criticizing William and his dating situation.  It’s a symptom of something else going on in their lives that they act like that.  It’s disgusting.  Actually, I’ll quote Don Corleone “act like a man!”

However, I would ask William to describe the folks who are treating him this way.  I can say without much risk of being wrong. They are, and I quote my Filipino friend, “Pale, Stale, and likely male.”  I would expand that universe to females as well.  It’s the older generation.  Oh, and they are all likely married to boot.

There is a biblical passage “He who is without sin cast the first stone.”  The way I interpret it, a group of sinners (we are all sinners) standing around the rock pile and no one tosses a rock.  Unfortunately, the way it is now is a group of older folks grabbing multiple rocks and chucking them because they can (since they went to church Sunday.) 

Many people use the term ______ is the greatest invention since sliced bread.  Well, that generation actually invented something better than sliced bread; they put wheels on a goal post! 

The point of this blog is “what is grief?”  And how does one grieve?

I have an uncle in my life, he lost his wife to cancer as did William. He had 2 very young girls.  He spiraled and became a full-on alcoholic, lost custody of said kids.  He claimed he was “grieving.”  I guess that would be an acceptable outcome for William?  Not the Wiliam I know.

Truth is William has been grieving his wife, it’s been ongoing.  I made an effort to call him weekly on Thursdays while his wife was undergoing treatment.  It’s what a friend does.  I am not married; I have no kids.  I have no idea what the loss of a spouse is like.  I simply called to give Wiliam a reprieve for a few minutes, a friend should do that. Just because someone has passed doesn’t mean the grieving didn’t start sooner.  There were a lot of LASTS.  Now William is having a lot of firsts, as in first ______ without said wife.  I cannot imagine it’s easy.

To those who are shooting their arrows at William, allow me to ask, what is proper grieving?  A customer of mine who lost his wife started frequenting strip clubs right after, is that ok?  Is it one life one wife?  Someone I went to college with is on wife #3, is that ok?  Why is it not ok to chart your own course in life?  Doesn’t everyone deserve to be happy?

When did we start comparing ourselves to everyone?  Why is it that the nuclear family has to be husband and wife plus two kids of opposite gender?  It’s an easy answer; we are now a Hallmark country.  Better be married post college, better have a couple kids.  The commercials on the TV put it right out there, gotta be a family during this season, single people be damned.  Valentine’s Day is worse. The ads are basically saying it’s time to f**k and make babies and if you are not doing that you are worthless. 

The bottom line is William is doing what makes him happy. He has a way in life and the path he is on is his.  I am happy for him and everyone else should be too.  He loved his wife, full stop; no one is happy she is gone, or how she was gone.  Some may say war is hell, cancer is hell. 

Let William live his life. Live and let live is a motto I live by.  I am happy for everyone and everybody, do your thing, do what you do.  I don’t care if you’re banging some bleach blonde bimbo or some brunette. I do care if you are banging Jennifer Aniston as that’s Troll’s piece of ass!

My biggest concern is when did it become a thing to “punch down” rather than up.  Sure, you may have a wife, kids etc. Why can you not respect folks who do not?  Maybe it’s a personal choice, but why?  They do this because it makes them feel better about themselves.  Jealousy is another factor. The 90-day guy loves to remind me of this every Thanksgiving and Christmas season. He isn’t religious but he always says I am missing something.  It’s a shot at me being single. It’s his way of trying to push a narrative.  Trust me, he is bitter. He has told me he watches porn. The jokes he tells about having sex with sheep and goats tells me what I need to know. He views his wife as a child maker who is past her prime. 

Let William live and live yourself.

The Chief

This is my personal blog, and I need to vent. I have written numerous posts (probably about two dozen) over the last six months that I have not actually posted. But I’m gonna break from that practice and stick this on the record.

As stated previously, my wife died in April. After much searching, I found a woman worth pursuing all the way to the alter. Instead of being happy for me, many people have made it their life’s work to start attacking me. Sadly, this included people in my family and church.

One vector of attach is that my lady lives outside the United States. My response is so what? I took a look at the available women in the US, and they are a sorry lot. The pickings are slim to none.

I can’t remember what I have posted before but I decided early on that I have no interest in marrying someone that looks like my grandmother. That was a sound and good decision. Why? Because women in my age group that are single, by whatever reason, have zero interest in getting married again. All they want is to dote over grandchildren. They will not move one block further away from the grands and certainly not to another state to live with somebody like me. Leave and cleave is not part of their world.

This leaves younger women. I’m talking in this category of women plus or minus 40. I want the option of having more children so babes in their fifties are not on my radar, plus see comment above on grand kids.

Folks the amount of baggage that many of these broken women have is lethally toxic. Joint custody, student loans, careers, social activities, etc. They either don’t really want a husband or have so many restrictions that they impose on the relationship that it will never work. Many have their mortgage, car payment, and career and then want to add a husband in much the same way as they would add a wardrobe  accessory. They are not serious about marriage, at least not as defined biblically. They are so poisoned with feminism and our consumer culture that they are unhealthy to be around. It is not unusual for a woman in this demographic to start their evaluation of a man’s fitness by the car that he drives and the man’s financial statement. They require that any man in their life be able to pull out his credit card and fix all their past mistakes. I’m not making this up.

Statistically, women in their thirties don’t want to get married. Less than half are even interested and that statistic may really be as low as 34 percent. And that doesn’t mean that the marriage minded  34 percent are actively looking. Our culture is over the cliff of demographic suicide. Why do you think Charle Kirk kept saying start a family? Have children.

Contributing to this abysmal condition in the church is the prevalence of the broken and failed evangelical theology of premillennial dispensationalism. Jesus is coming any second so why plan for the future? Most Christians don’t believe there is any future. It’s all gonna burn and we are just passing through. Just ask them. Why get married and have children if you believe the world will end any second. Yes, this doctrine is bullshit and heresy. I know adherents will complain about my analysis but it’s true and I can prove it. This is why eschatology is a primary issue not a secondary one.

I have spent months scouring Christian Singles websites, allegedly populated by marriage minded women, for any signs of someone wanting a serious relationship and came up empty. My criteria were simple and realistic, but detailed. Zero takers. I even pivoted from the United States to searching for single Christian women anywhere on the planet. I expanded my search into Europe, South America, Africa, and Asia.

 Believe it or not, many of the Christian websites that I tried do not list the ages of the women or the ages of men that they would be interested in meeting. I had some nice chats with a few women between 25 and 31 but we agreed that they were too young for me. I thanked them for chatting, wished them happy hunting, and parted ways.

I decided more radical action was needed in order to be successful in my search. In August, I joined a site called Christian Filipina. Wow!

There’s an old story about someone asking a thief why he chose to rob banks. He replied, “because that’s where the money is.”

Christian Filipina is like the bank. It is chock full of real women that want to find husbands. In one day on Christian Filipina, I met more woman than I had on every other singles website I had tried combined. Of course, the cost of the website is one reason that it is so good, but I highly recommend it if you are serious about being marriage minded.

Because my lady is not from the United States, I am getting a ration of crap from some people. I’ve surveyed the dating screen in the United States and its really crappy.

Oh, lastly, NO. Since my wife died, zero people have suggested a single female for me to take a look at as a possible mate. Bye the way, I’m OK with that. I just wanted to mention that to make the point that people will gladly complain about my choices, but they really are not interested in helping me, they just want to bitch and criticize me only to put me down.

This brings up the other attack vector that people are using against me. These attacks are cruel, evil, and none of their f*cking business. This is the “you haven’t mourned enough for your dead wife” line of crap.

First, how the hell would you know?

Funny how these people tend to be married, with a currently living spouse, trying to tell me what I should do. They have never been through it but somehow are self-appointed experts in what I’m going through. They are totally inflexible. Their minds are made-up. Somehow, they know best.

I have zero respect for folks in this bucket. If you feel this way, please keep your mouth shut. By opening your pie hole, you make yourself a fool and I don’t want to be around people that feel this way about me or my wife ever again. Please just remove yourself from my life so I won’t have to do it later.

Look, I know people say stupid stuff to those suffering cancer or having lost someone to death. I know, I used to say stupid crap too, but I know better now. But the line, “you haven’t mourned enough” is out of line. Even if you feel that way, keep the opinion to yourself and don’t go repeating it to a widow or widower.

I knew for four years that my wife would die from her cancer. How f*cking long must I mourn?

I’ve been mourning since the day I heard the diagnosis and looked it up on Doctor Google.

I knew it both times that we worked on our last will and testament.

I knew it when we chose to move to Idaho.

I knew it when we watched my son graduated high school.

I knew it when we somehow were able to come up with the money to send my wife to sing at Carnegie Hall.

I knew it when we sat down at our last Valentine’s Day meal. We both knew that there would never be another.

I knew it when she was placed in hospice care.

I knew it when her dad and I watched her die.

Please don’t ever say I haven’t mourned enough. That is a lie, and I won’t have it said in my presence. If you really feel that way about me then please get the hell out of my life because I don’t need you in it.

I have some people that I thought cared about me that are gunning for me for stupid reasons. Please stop. If you can’t be happy that I have found love again then shut up and get out of my life. If you don’t then I will remove you from it myself.