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Trump Calls Out Priestess

President Trump went to the National Cathedral the day after he was inaugurated into office. This has traditionally been a service considered part of the inauguration festivities. Normally prayers are offered for the new President to be guided by God into having a successful time of prosperity and leadership. The Cathedral views itself as an ecumenical clubhouse for people seeking God. Outside of its actual services, it tries to maintain a reputation as a nondenominational place for people to worship.

The Washington National Cathedral has hosted 10 official inaugural prayer services for presidents of both major political parties. The tradition dates back to 1933.

However, yesterday the female “Bishop” went partisan and personal in her attacks of the newly installed President.

Here’s a few quotes from her lecture.

“In the name of our God, I ask you to have mercy upon the people in our country who are scared now. There are gay, lesbian, and transgender children in Democratic, Republican, and independent families—some who fear for their lives”

The bishop then called on Trump “to have mercy, Mr. President, on those in our communities whose children fear their parents will be taken away, and that you help those who are fleeing war zones and persecution in their own lands to find compassion and welcome here.”

As another member of our writing staff says, “Here’s my hot take” on this “Bishop”.

First, please note that I purposely have put the word “Bishop” in quotes. I have Bishop Royal U Grote to thank for this. Bishop Grote made it very clear that in the Bible there is no such thing as a female priest, clergy, or whatever. Women are not allowed to preach period. Never. Any female claiming to be ordained is a priestess. By definition, she cannot be Christian as Christianity does not recognize women as clergy.

Royal Upton Grote Jr. (16 August 1946 – 24 November 2016)

Thus, Mariann Edgar Budde is a wolf is sheep’s clothing no matter her intentions, theology, or politics. Biblically, she is a false teacher.

This is confirmed by the content of her lecture. Again, it is not a sermon because she has no right to deliver a sermon. Her presentation in the pulpit is a lecture.

Her attack on Trump is laughable.

Let’s shorten her first quote to what she really means.

“I ask you to have mercy upon the people … gay, lesbian, and transgender children …some who fear for their lives”

This quote is wrong on a number of levels.

Trump has threatened nobody who is gay, lesbian, or transgender with execution, imprisonment, or deprivation of rights.

Trump is upholding God’s revealed Word and natural revelation, and biological fact that there are only two genders. Any other gender is a lie of men or devils. It cannot be allowed in a civilized society.

This babe capping on Trump for requiring men to use the men’s bathroom is just evil. But you know, her real problem isn’t with Trump; no, it’s with God. God’s wrath is on the gay, the lesbian, the transgender, the abortionist, and anyone else that is in rebellion against Him. God’s wrath is not a future threat but a present reality.

Then there’s her dig about immigration. Please note that she and her liberal brethren are not the ones whipping out their checkbooks or that of her very wealthy denomination. No. She expects the taxpayers to give goodies to the illegals, drug dependent, and those refusing to work. This is what’s wrong with liberals, they only want to spend other people’s money, collected under threat of the sword, to redistribute. Please note, they always manage to keep their wealth and expect everyone else to gather at the pig trough of the welfare state to find sustenance.

Hey Mariann, the Bible—which you clearly have never read or don’t comprehend—requires that individuals care for the poor. Oh, the order is families, communities, and government last. Furthermore, government is not required or expected to give from the treasury to the poor, only see that they are treated fairly.

Yet another liberal flaw that she has defended on numerous occasions; justice. The Bible requires that no preference be given to the rich or the poor. Equality before the law is a principle directly from Scripture. Caring for widows, orphans, and the stranger amongst us is a purely local matter, not a mandate from the Great White Father in Washington DC.

The Bible makes it clear that if you don’t work then you don’t eat. If people work and still can’t make it, then people have an opportunity—not an obligation—to help.

President Trump was correct in his response.

After he returned to the White House, Trump said, “I didn’t think it was a good service” and “they could do much better.” But later, in an overnight post on his social media site, he sharply criticized the “so-called Bishop” as a “Radical Left hard line Trump hater.”

“She brought her church into the World of politics in a very ungracious way. She was nasty in tone, and not compelling or smart,” said Trump, a Republican, adding that Budde didn’t mention that some migrants have come to the United States and killed people.

“Apart from her inappropriate statements, the service was a very boring and uninspiring one. She is not very good at her job!” Trump said. “She and her church owe the public an apology!”

The responses on the Internet have been funny.

https://babylonbee.com/news/heroic-woman-proves-once-and-for-all-why-only-men-should-be-pastors

The Episcopal woman smiled ear-to-ear as she strode out of the National Cathedral, knowing that she had proved to the world beyond a shadow of a doubt that only men should be pastors.

“I did it!” exclaimed Budde, proudly hugging supporters. “I finally showed all you morons out there precisely why women should never, ever be allowed to lead a church.”

Christmas Gift of PC Silence

Last fall, I found out that my Dell Alienware computer, purchased in 2020, was long in the tooth. It happened like this.

After being out for over a year, I finally decided to purchase Diablo IV. I bought it just before the first expansion pack, Vessel of Hatred, was released.

I installed the game without any difficulty but once I began playing it on my Alienware PC, wow! The PC’s fan revved-up to full speed and it was so loud that I literally couldn’t hear the dialogue in the game. It was like listening to a jet just prior to take-off.

Alienware PCs look cool, but they are also notorious for having heating issues. Back in the spring, I had already added an additional 120 mm cooling fan into the case and cleaned and reseated the factory liquid cooler. This did not help with heat dissipation.

By today’s standards, Diablo IV should not be stressing the limits of any respectable computer. My wife was even surprised by the noise level generated by the computer. She even said to me that maybe I need a new computer. Thus, I made up my mind to slowly accumulate the parts that I needed to build a new one. This was so I could pay as I go and not risk 12 months same as cash with another Dell purchase.

I decided to make most of my purchases for the computer from Newegg. I do not trust buying computer parts on Amazon. Too many vendors are selling knock-offs, returns of dubious quality, factory rejects, and whatnot.

I bought a case and liquid cooling fan from Newegg. I also bought an M.2 4th generation hard drive from Best Buy. If you haven’t seen one, they are about the size of two sticks of Wrigley’s Gum stacked on top of each other. Most are 22 mm v 80 mm in size.

With Christmas nearing, I stopped any further purchases hoping to get a few additional computer parts under the tree. Despite reservations, I put the remaining parts that I needed on my Amazon wish list. My wonderful stepson bought me the most expensive part on the list, a new video card. The video card did not arrive in a factory sealed box. It was not shrink-wrapped, and the box lacked any kind of seal on it. The anti-static bag containing the video card did have a seal on it. I knew that I had until January 31st to return holiday purchases.

This put me in a dilemma, do I trust the Amazon purchase or should I quickly assembly the computer and then test the video card. Due to the timing of events, I opted to complete building the computer. I bought the remaining parts on Newegg. However, the shipment was delayed. In the meantime, I received some more money and decided to purchase a 5th generation M.2 drive as the boot drive.

5th Gen M.2 drive shown with heatsink

Assembling the computer was the most tedious PC build I have ever done. The fans in the case needed to be reversed and the liquid cooler that I bought had many screws and fans as well. It wasn’t hard, just slow going.

 My biggest issue was the fifth generation M.2 drive. It came with a factory installed heatsink. As configured, it would not fit on my motherboard. After research, I found out that removing the factory heatsink would void the warranty. Being that the drive costs north of $500, I opted to leave it alone. Instead, I removed a strip of metal underneath the mounting area of the M.2 drive. This was part of a heatsink assembly that was held in place by two Phillips screws. Once that minor, nondestructive modification was made, the M.2 drive fit perfectly.

Once assembled, I installed the operating system. It turns out that Windows 10 was on my flash drive and not 11. I downloaded Windows 11 and then installed it. The only deviation to a normal install that I did was disable the forced log-in to a Microsoft account. By creating a local account, I was able to create a user directory named “William.” An install with a Microsoft account is truncated to a five-character username.

 Once booted, I had to add the Wi-Fi driver to the flash drive and install it on the new computer to reach the Internet. At this point I could then log in to a Microsoft account.

Lastly, a note concerning installing Adobe Acrobat. Log into your Adobe account first, and then download and install their software, otherwise the licensing step will fail. I have a stand-alone copy of Acrobat 2020. This is the last release of Acrobat that does not require a monthly or annual subscription. I couldn’t get past the licensing step without logging in first.

Oh, when I run Diablo IV now, the PC doesn’t seem to notice. The PC cooling does not increase, and the temperature seems to be unchanged while running the game.

Here are some specs of the new build.

ProcessorAMD Ryzen 9 9950X 16-Core Processor  4.30 GHz
Installed RAM64.0 GB
System type64-bit operating system, x64-based processor
VideoAMD Radeon RX 7900 XT   RAM 20 GB
Drive 1 NVMe M.2 SSD Crucial T705 4TB PCIe Gen5
Drive 2 NVMe M.2 SSDWD Black SN850X 4000GB Gen 4

Insurrection Day and Other Thoughts

Insurrection Day was just as entertaining as you would expect with Kamala Harris certifying her own defeat as she declared Donald Trump as the next President of these United States. Oh, what sweet irony.

Trump is not even in office yet, but his influence looms large on the world stage. His comments about possible tariffs on Canada and making it the 51st state caused Justin Trudeau to resign. This guy (Trudeau) is just an evil tyrant presiding over a bunch of feckless politicians with no spine. His unchecked attacks on Canadian citizens that dared to disagree with him, or his policies was terrible to behold. That he lasted in office so long is an indictment of the Canadian political system.

Sadly, such tyranny is becoming all too common in once Christian nations in the West. England, Germany, France and other places are arguably worse than Canada. If you ever needed any evidence that the First Amendment matters then look no farther. Oh, having a Second Amendment to protect the First helps too.

Trump trash talking about annexing Greenland and changing the Gulf of Mexico into the Gulf of America is fun to watch. The reactions are entertaining. However, I still maintain that what he does is more important than what he says. It appears that he understands that getting legislation through Congress is the mark he needs to hit. I think he is deflecting people from seeing what is coming once he takes the oath of office. Finally, I think the Orange will “unleash hell” on January 20th and I can’t wait for the heads of millions of liberals to explode in shock.

Frankly, I think Trump is just depriving Biden of any oxygen in the room so poor Joe will be neglected by the media in the last few weeks of his failed administration. The irony that today is the funeral of Jimmy Carter is fantastic. Now, the biggest Presidential failure of the 21st Century gets to sing the praises of the biggest Presidential failure of the 20th Century. If you needed it, here’s proof that God has a sense of humor.

The wars in Ukraine and Israel will be ended soon after Trump takes office. Putin will get to keep much of eastern Ukraine and Zelensky will leave office with a few billion dollars in offshore accounts. Wanna bet he retires to his home in Palm Beach to live out the rest of his days? I’ll give even odds that he is ended by a bullet to the head or a needle in his arm.

I think the October 7th hostages will be freed on or about Jan 20th sort of like what happened with Reagan and the release of the Iranian hostages. Will some leaders from Gaza quietly immigrate to other nations as a result? Just wondering. The net result is that the Palestinian people will own less land than before the uprising.

I hope that Trump ends DEI (Diversity, Equality, and Inclusion) and the insanity of the transgender movement. Both seem to be falling out of favor already and he hasn’t even taken office yet. (Again, both movements must be ended at the Federal level by legislation and defunding.)

The Long Journey Continues

Sometimes, when your reality and expectations align, it’s not a good thing. Yes, I know that is contrary to what our culture teaches, but do you still believe the Disney lie that following your heart is a good thing? 2025 looks to be the long slow plodding walk thru the valley of the shadow of death.

Let me explain.

The meeting that my wife and I had with her oncologist a few days ago was depressing. She finally asked the “big question;” namely, “What is my prognosis?”

The doctor’s response was that she had a fifty percent chance of living ten … to twelve months. He initially stopped after saying ten and then added the “to twelve months” after a brief pause. I felt that the subtext of his answer was buckle up buttercup, the water is about to get really rough.

This reply was followed by a discussion of chemotherapy, immunotherapy, or doing nothing. I thought these were the three choices, but they managed to decide on a fourth option. My wife will begin to do both chemo and immunotherapies simultaneously starting next Tuesday. The chemo will be a slightly different cocktail of drugs than last time, the major side effect of this round will be diarrhea. Why she thinks that side effect is better than cold sensitivity is a mystery to me. I’m picturing her having to be within line-of-sight of the nearest toilet and potential dehydration as a horrible way to live.

My wife wants to go out swinging, which is a good trait and one I expect from an upbeat and optimistic person. I kind of think the quantity versus quality-of-life question should have been asked but it wasn’t. I can’t help but wonder if the cure is worse than the disease. The die is now cast and our course plotted for the next few months.

Oh, lastly my mom is down to 88 pounds and not doing well. I may be trekking to the once golden state more times than I want is year to say farewell to family members.

Thoughts as We End 2024

Christmas is over. The children have returned from whence they came. This was likely the last Christmas with their mom. In a sense it might be hard to grasp because mom cooked for them and was her usual bubbly self, but lacking the energy to go at full speed all the time.

To me their visit seemed like a pause in the progress of her cancer and its treatment. Tomorrow, we end the year with yet another visit to the oncologist. In December we have had biopsies with more cancer and findings of malignant cells. Mom now admits that she is experiencing stage 4 cancer. The cancerous cyst removed from her back appears to be growing back and feels larger than the one removed just a few short weeks ago.

2025 will begin with one of three possibilities; immunotherapy, chemotherapy, or no further treatment because it won’t matter. Due to chemotherapy being ineffective, I think that is not the most likely option. Immunotherapy ended last time in hospitalization and the beginnings of several organs starting to fail. I think my wife is hoping for this option but with better monitoring. The option that further treatment is futile is one that polite conversations don’t discuss.

Jimmy Carter died yesterday. He was arguably the worst president of the 20th Century. Carter’s biggest claim to fame was making it to 100 years old. Joe Biden makes Jimmy look good by comparison; however, Biden has been functionally braindead for most of his term in office. Who was running the country is not known yet. The “tell” as they say in magic and gambling is whether Democrats will fight over credit for Biden’s Administration or just ignore his failure and look to the future (2028).

Trump is casting a large shadow over the political landscape and Biden becomes more irrelevant every day. As I said last time Trump was in office, I don’t care what he says. The only thing that matters is what he does. To have any lasting legacy, he needs to get legislation approved by the Congress and signed into law. At a minimum he has two years to do that. I hope Trump will unleash hell on the swamp from day one.

As for the Elon Musk committee to cut waste, I have doubts that much will really happen. I think it’s doomed just as the Grace Commission was under Ronald Reagan. Look for Republicans to campaign on the Committee’s findings but fail to implement the suggestions into law.

As for church stuff, I’m really getting excited about the Bible thanks to Brian Godawa and his writings. I also have been going through a podcast that he participates in called Iron and Myth. I have added what they describe as a supernatural view of the Bible to my other beliefs about God.

I also have benefitted from some sermons that I downloaded from Doug Wilson. Both Wilson and David Chilton have teachings that touch on the supernatural view of the Bible, but they don’t elaborate on it much.

Lastly, I have been going through training to be a Deacon at my church. Mostly, it has consisted of going through the Westminster Larger Catechism, although we will eventually get into another book as well.

The church which we attend has been very generous to us. Frankly, Christmas wouldn’t have happened without their support and caring. I wanted to give them a “shout out” without going into details.

Have a good New Year.

Living with Esophageal Cancer November 2024 Update 3

Another batch of procedures, another post. The main event this week was a probe being sent down my wife’s throat to check out her esophagus. The opening at the top of her esophagus is now a whopping 5 millimeters in diameter. The doctor was able to dilate the opening slightly, but this measurement is much smaller than last time when it was able to dilate to 20 mm (2 cm). As a result, he had to use a pediatric sized camera to see what was going on in there. The active tissue on the PET scan appears to be an ulcer at the bottom of the esophagus. No tissue was biopsied in this exam. That is good news; however, it sounded to me like the pediatric scope was not really capable of doing any tissue samples if they were needed. We will have a follow-up exam in about 3 weeks—assuming scheduling allows for this since it’s right in the middle of the holidays.

Also, this week a cyst was removed from her back. This is likely not a big deal, but it did appear during the early phases of chemo and radiation. Pathology is likely a week away.

My wife is capable of about two hours of activity a day before crashing. This is enough to put on a good show at the grocery store or church. Overall, her energy level is low. She is down to 155 pounds. This is the least amount she has weighed since beginning college. She is getting more calories but most of them are “junk calories” like pie filling and cheesecake. After some trial and error, she is now comfortable eating cold things like ice cream. Her daily calory goal is up to 1,400 per day, but like I said it’s quantity not quality nutrition.

Living with Esophageal Cancer November 2024 Update 2

Well, the big PET scan and meeting with the oncologist finally happened. It was somewhat of a letdown. The cancer, of course, looks to be still present (or the damaged tissue from it) but the tumors have shrunk. Her ability to breathe is improved but eating anything solid at this point is just not possible. As previously stated, the tumors are inoperable. When meeting with the doctor, he made a matter of fact comment that the radiation/chemotherapy only had about a twenty-five percent chance to be effective.

It got even better. It turns out that the PET scan can’t check to see if the blood clots in my wife’s lungs are still there. As things stand now, there are no plans to ever check to see if they have gone. They are just going to keep her on blood thinners.

She is slated to have a throat scan later in the month. For this procedure, they put her under (sedated) and then will put a camera down her throat. If anything looks worthwhile, then it will be biopsied. Her remaining esophagus was lit up on the PET scan and the report said her SUV (standardized uptake value) reading was at 9.5. This is indicative of moderate cancer activity and a short prognosis of life expectancy.

Based on the throat scan results, a monitoring schedule will be established. Once again when this was being discussed palliative care was mentioned. The doctor also mentioned that further chemo or immunotherapy might be in her future.

My wife has lost about 40 pounds from the current bout with cancer. Lately, she has upped her calorie intake to about 1,000 per day. Food is still via a spoon or straw. The sensitivity to cold still persists even after about a month of being off chemo drugs so all food must be room temperature or warmer. It seems like the opening of her esophagus is still small, but the pain and discomfort of swallowing food has decreased. At her last throat scan, it was reported that the maximum that the esophagus would open was 2 cm.

We are both looking forward to having all the kids here for Christmas. We know there is a good chance that this may be the last time we spend the holidays together.

I enjoy helping my wife deal with her illness, but I really hate to see her suffering. She always has a smile on her face and a positive attitude. Some time next year, I expect to start hearing about hospice care. I hope that day is far off. More updates as things develop.

Election Thoughts

Kamala Harris is clearly not an upgrade from Joe Biden. I think of her as Jezebel, the wicked wife of King Ahab. Oh, Jezebel’s dad, amongst other things, was the high priest of Ba’al. The “bel” part of her name is related to Ba’al. In the case of Harris, I think of her more as the Molech type due to her single-minded advocacy of unlimited abortion, the sacrament of Liberals everywhere.

The Democratic Party has fully embraced murder and mutilation of children as the social cornerstones of their platform. Harris was being honest when, at one of her campaign rallies, she told those proclaiming that “Christ was King” that they were at the wrong political event. Clearly Jesus and God are not welcomed in Democratic circles.

The Democrat Party’s economic ideas are not rooted in the real world but in the sin of envy. Envy, per the dictionary, is defined as “A feeling of discontent and resentment aroused by and in conjunction with desire for the possessions or qualities of another.” Another definition is “Malevolence.”

It’s no surprise that this is a direct violation of the Tenth Commandment.

“Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbour’s.”
— Exodus 20: 17.

Oh, coveting someone’s ass has nothing to do with sexual desire, but I can see why Democrats might think that given their embrace of sexual perverts and perversions. Actually, it might be better to think of the “ass” mentioned in this Commandment as your mode of transportation, while “ox” is your job, work truck, or equipment. i.e. your vocation.

Jealousy and ingratitude also come to mind when listening to Democrats whine about economic issues.

During his campaign, Donald Trump was rather quiet about details of what he would do when elected. Oh, I know he promised some tax cuts and things like that, but I don’t recall him presenting another list of potential Supreme Court nominees or specifics about Cabinet appointments. Other than promising Elon Musk and Senator Kenedy a job, much was kept under wraps.

We all know that he will unleash hell on the swamp rats once he takes office, but details are scarce as of now. What has been foreshadowed since his election is that he will go after those in the government that coordinated with big tech and private companies to debank, cancel, silence, or otherwise impede the exercise of free speech. He also promises to crackdown on those that violated immigration law. Other than those breaking our laws by committing criminal acts within our borders, I think he can’t do very much unless Congress gets involved; something they have not done in any meaningful way since Ronald Reagan was President.

Speaking of Reagan, Trump will end up butting heads with the unions representing government workers. Reagan’s ability to fire the air traffic controllers will loom large as a precedent for Trump as he tries to fire folks in the bureaucracy. Reagan’s situation was different in that the air traffic controllers were on strike and thus Reagan could appeal to public safety. The bureaucracy is largely controlled by the Executive Branch (President) but is it really? Do union contracts trump (pardon the pun) the Constitutional power of the President? If Congress authorizes money to be spent, is the Executive Branch obligated to spend it even if they don’t want too?

Also, the recent Supreme Court ruling on the Chevron Doctrine might be a tool that Trump can use to roll back the power of various agencies. Were the Democrats in power, the ramifications of this ruling would take years to work their way through the courts, and in reality, little would change; however, with Trump at the helm, Chevron might be the most effective lever that Trump has to change the overreach of government agencies.

Whatever Trump does, he needs to get Congress to adopt his programs. Governing via Executive Orders is unconstitutional. Trump needs to codify whatever changes that he makes as law. It might not make them immutable, but it will make it harder to undo. He needs to start by making his tax cuts from last time he was in office permanent.

If I could caution Trump on anything, its keep Congress out of any legislation dealing with In Vitro Fertilization (IVF). IVF is eugenics and morally something that should not be enshrined into Federal Law. Hard as it may sound, some things need to be kept at a state level even if the result is “messy” and inconsistent from one place to another.

Lastly, Congress needs to find a way to fix our elections and voter rolls without federalizing the election process. Maybe mandate paper ballots and a national holiday on election day. The postal service is a Constitutionally created agency so placing rules on vote by mail would be within their power. Outlawing ballot harvesting by requiring vote by mail ballots to be postmarked on or before election day might be a good start. (The merits of this being a state or federal will be debated, I’m sure, but you get where I’m going with this.)

I gotta go so until next time …

Living with Esophageal Cancer November 2024 Update 1

In addition to everything else, my wife is now taking blood thinners. About a month ago, she had another scan. It showed that her tumors had reduced in size, but also that she had two pulmonary embolisms (blood clots in her lungs).

The PET/CT scan will be in about two weeks. This is the final verdict on the effectiveness of radiation and chemotherapy treatments. This is the benchmark of the best she will be or her “new normal.” The day following the scan, we will meet with the oncologist.

Thus far she is still on an essentially liquid diet. The exceptions are these: she can eat some cream-based soups and her oatmeal breakfast if she runs them through the food processor and liquifies the heck out of them first. The only somewhat solid food she can eat is slices of apple. She chews the apple slices and can swallow some of it. The rest she spits out onto a napkin and then tosses in the trash. Due to the lingering effects of chemo, she still can’t eat anything cold, so ice cream is not an option at this time. Also, anything with spices or tomatoes (including soups) are not something she can eat.

All her medicines are crushed into powder and mixed with liquids, or she can’t take them. Nasea is her constant companion, and she can’t sleep well at night. Amazingly, she has only lost 35 pounds since July. She has trouble walking and we now have handicapped placards in both cars. She needs either my help or that of a shopping cart to walk more than a few feet.

She has an amazingly positive attitude, but it is horrible to watch her suffer.

I plan to update again after the next scan.

Living with Esophageal Cancer October 2024 Update 2

Chemo didn’t happen last week because the white cell count was too low. We are planning to try again tomorrow. If the white cells are again too low, then I think we are done with chemo.

Meanwhile my wife says she has lost 30 pounds since being diagnosed with her cancer again. Previously, I told her that I expect her to lose 50 to 60 lbs. before this “treatment” is over.

Eating is literally a pain. She has to take medicine just to allow her to eat. Foods (more correctly liquid substances that she eats in place of food) cause pain when she swallows them, and the pain continues all the way to her stomach. The amount of distress that she endures is amazing. She is happy and positive even in the face of the difficulties that she is experiencing. A side effect of the medicine is that she is sleeping much of the day. She is also weak.

I think she is beat up and broken and part of me hopes the chemo is over. I think we have crossed the line between medical care and torture, at this point it is simultaneously both.

Her radiation burns are slowly healing. The two open sores are healing up and get new dressings on them each day. The discolored skin is still visible but improving. You just can’t help but wonder what the tissue inside her body looks like if the outside is this messed-up.