Month: December 2025

If you’ve ever changed cell phone carriers, insurance companies, or anything else that uses your wallet as a monthly income stream, you know that they won’t let you leave without some type of protest or incentive to stay with them. Tried cancelling a credit card? Ditto.

What about when you leave a church?

Yep, they will contact you with a we want you back letter too. I got a “Are you sure?” letter emailed to me following my departure from my former church.

Note: in the quotation below, reference to “the Session” is the church board responsible for discipline.

My response in part was:

I feel very violated by the tactics used by the Session. The Session has broken the trust that I had with the church, interjected itself into a situation with zero biblical cause, and attacked my character by its actions. It acted in a heavy-handed and prejudicial way that was completely unnecessary. If you guys really cared about me, then the Session would never be involved. It is the wrong mechanism to use if helping me was really your intention. Furthermore, the Session has become an immovable barrier to any hope of my reconciliation with Providence.

I then asked to be removed from their membership rolls.

I thought this was the end of the matter but then got another follow-up email.

The latest email asserts the church’s right to intervene in my life. They go on to accuse me of breaking my membership vow before God because I don’t like the way they handled their inquiry of my life. The letter asserts that I must submit to their inquiry and any subsequent discipline. They then say that I can’t resign until they decide that I can. The letter then concludes with an invitation to repent and show up at their next meeting.

And they wonder why I said their tactics were heavy-handed? The letter is clear that I submit or risk hell fire and judgment, their judgment anyway.  

Again, I don’t want to start down a path that is likely a prelude to a witch hunt.

We’re on another witch hunt, looking for evil wherever we can find it
Off on a tangent, hope the Lord won’t mind it
Another witch hunt, takin’ a break from all our gospel labor
On a crusade, but we forgot our saber

Witch Hunt by Petra (1985)

If someone there had or has a concern, then I was willing to answer their questions, but repeatedly said that I don’t want to get involved with the disciplinary board of the church. I have attempted to avoid that and told several of its members that I do not wish for their formal involvement in my personal life. Yet that is their unwavering demand.

It is funny that their letter quotes Matthew 18 in defense of their actions. If you read the denomination’s Book of Discipline, the church board is exempt from following Matthew 18 where it says

15 Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother. 16 But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. 17 And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican.

When the church board initiates proceedings, as in my situation, they conveniently skip over verses 15 and 16 and jump straight to 17.

What “trespass” have I committed? They don’t know but there has to be one somewhere.

Who came to me to complain about a “fault.” Nobody.

Thus, nobody subsequently came with two or three witnesses before going before the church. Nope, we just jump to the last step. Again, I have not been accused of anything but surely, I must be guilty of something.

And then they wonder why I have an issue with their tactics!

I have done nothing wrong, but the presumption is that I have and these guys need to get to the bottom of it so they can straighten me out.

This is a no-win scenario. This is the exact reason that I resigned my membership.

Furthermore, in issues of relationships, marriage, and divorce, the board does not believe in the right of the church to oversee these matters but defers to the State. They only affirm the actions of the State.

The following is a real example; I have changed the names.

Joe and Jane were a married couple at the church. Joe started seeing another woman on the side. The church board put Joe through the discipline process and ended up excommunicating him. As all this was happening, Jane initiated divorce proceedings. Later, Jane began dating another man in the church. The Board scolded Jane and her new boyfriend for dating. Months later, the family law court granted Jane’s petition for divorce. The board then announced that Jane was eligible to remarry. Now she could be public about seeing her new boyfriend.

Folks, if marriage is really the sole purview of the church, then why wait to say Jane was eligible to remarry? Why not a concurrent pronouncement with excommunication her unfaithful husband? Why wait on the State?

Biblically, why must the church wait for the State? What biblical right does the State have being involved in the marriage relationship? Just wondering. Oh, and please don’t give me Romans 13 as your answer. That’s the same B.S. used to justify the Covid shutdown and a host of other acts of tyranny by the government.

Kenny Rogers famously said,

“You got to know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em.

Know when to walk away and know when to run”

The Gambler (1978)

I’ve tried to walk away but somehow; I don’t think they will willingly let me go.

This clear reference to the movie War Games (1983) should be rather obvious. The point of the movie was that when faced with nuclear war, the best move was not to play. Of course, the movie was made while Ronald Reagan was President. Liberals hated Reagan and thought him a warmongering “cowboy” for opposing the Soviet Union; a government that many of them admired. War Games got a very lengthy standing ovation when it premiered at the Canne Film Festival.

While invoking War Games might seem a stretch to some, my conclusion when analyzing my current conflict with my church was that there is a life lesson to be found in the idea that sometimes avoiding a confrontation is best. Anyone that is happily married knows what I mean.

I originally drafted this blog just a few hours before appearing before my church’s board. If you find me changing time tenses, that is probably why.

In their particular parlance, this group is called “The Session”. They are the judicial body of my local congregation. These are the guys that meet out justice as they see fit. Twice in the last year they have excommunicated members for adultery and followed it up by declaring the other spouse fit to remarry. Except for politicians and country music singers, adultery is usually viewed as something bad. Having this group taking an interest in my love life is not a good sign.

I have had friends excommunicated from their churches for dating women from the wrong or unapproved church denomination before. I have seen abuse of heavy-handed dealings with folks for just being honest that they wanted to leave and go to a different church. I have even seen pronouncements of excommunication for people that never attended services and were certainly never church members. My wife and I have also been beaten up by churches that we have attended in the past. I made a vow that I would never again yield any part of my life to one of these judicial boards or to a pastor in any church. I will never voluntarily put myself on any path that might ever lead to church discipline or excommunication, never ever!

I repeatedly told these guys that I am perfectly willing to discuss my relationship with my girlfriend over a meal at any local watering hole but that I do not want to appear before “The Session.” If I’m called before a judicial body to give an account of my personal life, then I’m in trouble. That seems obvious to me.

They keep saying that they “have a few questions” for me. Hey guys, you know where I live, you have my phone number, and email address. I’m retired and don’t have much of a life so I’m rather available for a casual lunch or dinner.

But No. It must be ASAP, and it must be before this body; then they say I have nothing to worry about! Guys, I wasn’t born yesterday. This cover story is not credible. If they want to speak with me, the church is having a Christmas potluck in a few days, why not ask me your questions there?

If I go to this meeting and then answer their questions, then obviously they will then draw a conclusion from the information that I provide, and then the next step is a determination. Determination is another word for rendering judgement. Any judgment issued will then include a follow-up to their conclusion to see if I’m obeying them or going a different way. If I go a different way, then it is implied that they will then jerk my chain and I will again have to appear before them. Thus, like most things in life, my appearance is not a destination but the beginning of a process with no clear or predefined endpoint. This sounds like politics to me.

Oh, what about Matthew 18: 15-17 about going to your brother if he has a fault. Well, that doesn’t apply. First, because I haven’t offended anybody in my congregation, unless not liking me dating someone is a crime, and second because there is an exception to this biblical mandate in the Book of Discipline. If “The Session” originates the charge against someone then the process in Matthew is not required.

Also, did you know that there is no Fifth Amendment in the Bible? Yep, you can be hung on the basis of your own words. So even if they don’t have anything on me when I walk in the door, they can hang me on the basis of what I say in their presence. Thus, the command to appear before them is a fishing license to find a charge to hit me with. To appear is to grant them a blank check to find a charge even where none existed before.

Oh, on a previous post on this subject, an anonymous comment was made that I did not allow on the blog just because it was not signed. Said comment quoted a verse in Proverbs. I would like to comment on that verse now.

Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety. Proverbs 11:14.

First, the verse is directed at leaders of men, would it be a stretch to think this is advice from one king (Solomon) to another (like maybe his sons). But let’s allow that all folks need counselors and see if it applies in this situation.

 Are the men in my church that are on “The Session” my trusted friends that really know me and what’s on my heart?

Is this situation a meeting of equals? 

Do I see these guys as my circle of counselors?

Nope. Just because someone knows my name does not make them my friend. My wife may have felt that way about everyone that she met, but I do not. I’ve had a handful of true friends in my life; probably about ten individuals. With the exception of the Sith Lord, who dumped me when I was no longer useful to him, I’ve kept the rest of them in my life. True, I don’t see my friends every day or even every year, but our lives are linked, and I trust them and our relationship goes on. When we are together, we pick up right where we left off the last time that we were together.

There is only one guy in my congregation that I am friendly with, and he is not on this board. He also does not know, or even want to know, all the nitty gritty details of my life. We have some things in common and as a result, spend time together. I would describe him as a casual friend.

This is not to say that I dislike the other men in my church; it’s that we have never gotten to know each other very well. We are not actively part of each other’s lives. It is something between presumption and hubris for them to claim to act as my counselors when I appear before them assembled as “The Session.”

No, in “The Session,” they are my betters, and I am the inferior person. This is not a meeting of Christian brothers, equals, or friends. By its very nature, this is an adversarial meeting.

When I walked into the meeting today, I greeted the four people in attendance and shook their hands. The guy from Boise didn’t make the meeting but after about a ten-minute delay, the other fellow finally logged in on Zoom. Once all five people were assembled, the meeting was opened. I was invited to join them at the table, but I did not. Instead, I announced that I was resigning my membership. One of the people then quipped, but you have to appear here because you’re a member. Then I said, “I’m not doing this” and left.

Just so you know, I spent the better part of a week crafting this long speech about my relationship with my girl and all the pertinent details that I was going to offer as a defense and I scrapped it completely. Yep, nine pages of reasoning and airtight logic that will never see the light of day unless I post it separately (which I currently have no plans to do).

So why just quit?

First, they are wrong and out of line. While true, I know I can never convince them of that or this blog post would never exist.

Second, I would rather part as casual friends than adversaries or combatants.

Third, this is a really small town, and we all need to continue to live here after this is over. Folks, most guys living here won’t believe it, but there are high schools in other states that have a bigger population than this town. 2,300 is not a lot of people to be rubbing shoulders with on a daily basis.

Fourth, why should I stay in a group that is hell bent on stringing me up? If I dodge the gallows this time, what will prevent them from trying it again in the future? If not me, then who will they go after next?

Lastly, the closer I got to this meeting, the more the scares of my previous dust-up in a Presbyterian church began to open. Unresolved wounds are the ones you carry the deepest hoping to suppress them. When they burst forth and the new situation is pumping vast amounts of salt into them, the more the pain is renewed and intensified. This steeled my resolve that I would not willingly enter into another opportunity for a church’s leadership to sit in judgement of me. Were my wife still alive, I believe she would support me in this feeling (of course, we’re here because she is not).

This whole thing is so stupid. The church has already lost about one third of their membership this year (this is a conservative estimate) and they want to cap off the year with my scalp too. They are bleeding members and money. Maybe they need to get a clue that some things are not right. Again, they can never be convinced of that and it’s not my job.

In summary, had they come to me as a fellow brother in Christ and not treated me as their inferior, I might be there next Sunday. They have wasted the greatest advantage that they once had, goodwill and trust. Sadly, that has been laid waste because they were too proud to ask me out for a casual meal and then speak their mind.

Yep, me having a girlfriend is too much for the board at my church. I have been summoned because they are “concerned.” Please understand that this is not a casual chat. No, all the voting members are scheduled to attend. Two members, including one that lives almost 400 miles away, are scheduled to attend via Zoom.

I had asked for an informal setting, like maybe over a burger and beverage of your choice but learned that was not an option. If chatting is all this meeting is about, then a casual setting should be in order; however, I have been led to believe that they have other plans. I was assured by one board member, “I’m not up for excommunication just yet” or words to that effect. It was implied that lesser punishments were the likely outcome.

I also asked, why not meet after Christmas? Why the urgency? I was told sorry; we need to do this now.

Given my 35 plus years of experience in and around California Republican politics and the CRA, I know when you are about to reenact the Ides of March. Oh, FYI, in religious politics, it is called “churchmanship” not church politics.

I have had about ten days of waiting for this confrontation. In that time, I have gone over the likely issues that might be raised. Frankly, I don’t see any grounds that can be raised to summon me there. I have tried keeping three board members, including the pastor in the loop of what is happening, specifically for the purpose of avoiding this very action. Clearly my request/promise to him “to give me the grace to get through this and everything will be ok” has not been honored.

I already have a good idea of the likely issues that will be raised. Since June I have been probing various members of the board on their thoughts on various issues that I expected to encounter while hunting for a wife; this was long before I met my future new bride.

What they don’t understand is that I am working through the plan that was formulated about the time my wife was buried in May. Like any plan, once the battle ensued, field adjustments were necessary, but the plan has gone forward, and a successful conclusion is within sight.

I have always been looking for a wife. I have only been looking for marriage minded women, not a quick romp in the sack, or a movie night date. As mentioned, many times on my posts about dating, as a group, American women in the 40 years and older category are a mess and mostly a toxic bunch. I don’t want to finance their mistakes in love, student loans, credit cards, etc.

Zero people that know me or my wife have offered me a single name, no matter how ridiculous, to ask out for a date; but when I fend for myself and pick a nice Christian woman all hell breaks loose. Clearly, they don’t know of anybody or I think, as much as everyone is trying to be in my business now, that I would have heard from them. FYI it’s too late now, I found my next wife.

Two more things have been bubbling out about the church fathers wanting to make me an offer that I can’t refuse.

One is related to the idea that it’s too soon to get married again. Says who? Oh yeah, a bunch of married people gladly giving a single guy the advice not to get married. Guess they don’t want me to suffer by being married like they are. This tells me that they aren’t too happy about having a bride. Just sayin’.

Sorry I loved being married and would do it again in a heartbeat. I find it really sad that Christian people have such a hangup on the idea that marriage can’t be fun. Biblically, it is our proper role in the universe so why not enjoy it? (Can you tell that Charlie Kirk is not influential in these circles?)

Second, right before my road trip to the Philippines, my pastor hands me a tract on grief. If I didn’t know better, I would say he was talking to my mom. I read said booklet last night. It covered no new ground or anything that I hadn’t heard before. One nugget in there was the timeframe for people grieving: three months to one year. As stated previously, I have known that Sheryl would die for four years before it finally happened. My wife and I countered down the last time we will get to have a birthday, Christmas, New Years, Valentines Day, etc. The private hell that I went through was horrible and I don’t wish that experience on anybody, but to deny that I have been dealing with the loss is beyond stupid and borderline evil.

The richest irony in all this is that my attendance at this particular church was due to my wife. Going to this church was her idea and literally the only thing left in my life that we used to do together. Now the church wants to take that away from me too, in part because according to them, I did not grieve her properly! All I have left in my weekly activity that I shared with my wife is being forcibly removed from me at this Wednesday (tomorrow) meeting. Ironically, by the church where she wanted to worship and set down roots. WTF?

I have easily lost over 40 hours of sleep in the last week trying to find a way to solve this mess. I finally settled on a solution today. I won’t tip my hand as to what I chose but I have peace about Wednesday’s meeting.

 My biggest frustration is that I like many of the people involved in this ill-conceived intervention. They are about nine months too late to have a talk with me. Just because they mostly left me alone when I was grieving, and therefore didn’t witness it in vivid detail, doesn’t mean it never happened. Lastly, none of them have walked in my shoes but dare to know better! Really? I thought the Good Book covered that topic too.