Preparations Today, Impeachment Tomorrow—Yawn

Nancy Pelosi and the boys in the House are expected to send the articles of impeachment to the Senate as soon as tomorrow. Reportedly, House Democrats are meeting today to decide what to do being as they never got this far with Richard Nixon and they aren’t totally sure what comes next.

Unconfirmed reports from Capitol Hill insiders say that Democrats are playing musical chairs to such inspirational tunes as “Baby Shark” to decide who gets to grandstand on the cable networks and present their case to the American people. Being that this is an election year, those in swing state districts that Trump is leading are being discouraged from participating.

Democrats seek inspiration from Grandma Shark, Nancy Pelosi

Another contentious issue faced by House members in going forward with the prosecution of President Trump is negotiations with the Senate. These negotiations are reportedly delicate and complex in nature. A few such examples are listed below.

When on camera, House members want their names displayed during the live broadcast in several languages including Spanish, Farsi, and Chinese; plus a deaf interpreter inserted in the broadcast. Since they will accept nothing less than the ultimate penalty for the President, they want Trump’s name shown only in Hebrew, Aramaic, and Greek. (Harvard Law Professor Laurence Tribe assured Democrats that there is common law precedent for crucifixion when accusations are written in Hebrew, Aramaic, and Greek.)

Laurence Tribe–Harvard Law guy

During the broadcast, there is a chance that viewers might see bottled water in front of participants of the trial. This became a thorny problem since the Senate commissary is run by union employees and they have an exclusive contract supplying the Senate’s proceedings. Since no impeachment endorsement deal could be reached with a bottled water manufacturer, and potential conflicts with existing union vendors, some changes will be made. An additional complication was that some House members felt being seen with plastic bottles would promote pollution of the world’s oceans. Thus it was agreed that labels would be removed from the water and the smaller size bottles would be used so there was less likelihood of them being seen on TV. AOC tried to amend the agreement to allow open containers but was shot down by leadership.

Reluctantly, House prosecutors agreed to the Senate demand to limit the length of each prosecution question to five minutes and the witness answer to thirty seconds. Being this is the Senate, this rule will not apply to Senators.

Also at issue is which beloved jurist should preside over the trial. Chief Justice John Roberts has been negotiating for a way to get out of appearing. It turns out that Roberts is a big supporter of the current ban on television cameras in proceedings involving the Supreme Court. By tradition, the Court members are seen but not heard at the State of the Union show each year.

Chief Justice John Roberts

Insiders claim that Roberts had suggested both Judges Judy and Napolitano but Senate leader Mitch McConnell objected. Radio talk show host Mark Levin refused to leave his undisclosed bunker to preside over the affair so in the end, nobody wants Robert’s job.

Mark Levin declined to preside

While all this is happening, NPR reported that Senator Cory Booker is planning to pay a visit to the House Democrat caucus to pass out impeachment participation awards to the entire caucus. This is in addition to the t-shirts crafted by Mitch McConnell which will be given to each House member that visits the Senate for the trial.

Photo courtesy Babylon Bee

Lastly, on his radio show today, Mark Levin did remind House and Senate leaders to hurry this process to its conclusion because Trump is already booked at the House for the State of the Union speech on February 4, 2020.