Rob Manfred is Commissioner of Major League Baseball; a declining sport with plenty of pressing issues. This week he decided to play politician regarding the Tampa Bay Rays.
Tampa Bay was founded as an expansion team in 1995, and after years of being as hapless as possible, they finally got good. Problem is they have needed a new stadium for years. They play in an antiquated circus dome, featuring 4 catwalks, (would love to see Ms. Hicks strut her stuff on one) hitting a ball off two of these is a home run, the other two means the ball is in play and it causes great confusion. They also play on AstroTurf that has been described as a thin piece of cloth with concrete under it, causing the ball to take awkward kangaroo hops in random directions.
However, to the point of this article, Manfred has been trying to get the Rays a new stadium for years. Attendance has been horrible since they came into the league…probably because people wonder how you can play this sport in a body of water (Tampa Bay). Tampa and their owner have been very stingy about wanting to pay for a new stadium so as a result the owner has teased about relocating to other cities…Portland, Nashville, Mexico City etc. Baseball wants to expand but cannot do this until Oakland and Tampa Bay get new ballparks.
While pondering league expansion, Manfred apparently picked up a large bottle of booze (or magic mushrooms from Oakland) and after a 72 hour bender, he thought this would be a good idea. He attempted to imitate the great feat of wisdom shown by the biblical King Solomon when he declared that two mothers split the same baby. Lord Manfred said the Rays could explore playing in two different towns during the same season, actually he green lighted it if the Rays so agree. His idea…play one half of the season in Tampa, and the other half in Montreal…which by the way lost their team a while back due to attendance issues. Since Montreal is seen as a frontrunner to get a new team, he wants to see how attendance goes.
This is literally one of the stupidest things I have ever heard. He wants the players, many of whom do not live in the town they play in on anything more than a seasonal basis, to have to buy another place in Montreal? Does he realize how far Montreal is from Tampa, Florida? (1,491 miles) How could a team possibly try to recruit players to join it when you will now have Canadian taxes charged to your paycheck as well? The travel schedule will be brutal! This has to be one of the worst ideas; seriously I’m still waiting for him to walk it back and say he was blitzed when he came up with it.
Baseball plays 162 games a year, half of which being home games, so 81….who gets the 41st game Montreal or Tampa? I say screw it, let’s do a mashup, first 4.5 innings in Tampa, then both teams get on planes, go through customs and play the second half of said game in Montreal, on the same day mind you! That would be bananas! Like a 7 hour layover between pitches….what a time to be alive! As far as the name of this team? I would go with the Tampa Bay Ex-Rays of Montreal. Thus paying homage to the former name of the Expos, yet combining with the Rays name. The Ex-Rays is also a homage to all the retired people in Florida. The team’s jersey should be a mashup too, half Expos-half Rays, and under the English words, put a translation in French Canadian! Pay the players in American dollars for the first half of said game, then upon conclusion, a check in Canadian Loons!
Market this game as the Equinox, playing half the day in USA and the second half in Canada! Both cities are known for being the strip club capitals of their respective countries…I would play this up big time! Lose the foul pole, replace with a stripper pole, instant entertainment and a great reason to go to the game! You could easily have promotions of father/daughter amateur day at the park, where you get a free ticket if she struts her stuff! The team could even call it career day…I mean really work that angle here man…gotta prepare people for a future career! Why wait to payoff that student loan debt? Personally, I reject the notion that robots are better companions than people.
Rather than call the private boxes at the ballpark “suites,” I would call them “penthouses,” get your entertainment in multiple ways at said game. Heck this idea could revolutionize the seventh inning stretch, just look at what Colin Kaepernick did for the national anthem; except this would be a move in a more positive and friendly direction. It would promote friendship by bring people together and who’s opposed to that?
I would call the bars “The Library” where scantily clad women serve drinks and perform…think about this….don’t dismiss the idea…tell your wife/girl/spouse you’re going to the library! Think about it again…girls could tell their parents they have a job working at the library…boom instant alibi. How about Tinder or Ashley Madison night…you can rent a one bed penthouse by the hour, or minute? If you make it on the Jumbotron screen during the stretch maybe you could get a free round for the penthouse. The more the merrier.
We aren’t male chauvinists here at Really Right. We are ok with equal opportunity, so we will have Grindr night as well…hell one of baseball’s expressions is “pulling the ball!” Not to be outdone, we are developing an app for ladies, Munchr, again a famous expression in baseball…”go the other way”….equal opportunity here man! Attendance would skyrocket and this thing will work. I’m quitting my job as an unpaid blogger and going to pitch this thing to MLB. Sex sells man, play this thing up! I mean think of what my girl Hope Hicks could do there.
Blogger’s epilogue: This is literally the stupidest idea I’ve heard in a while. Look at Manfred, this guy is a Muppet. Why don’t you deal with steroids, apathy, and horrible attendance you dumb Muppet. By the way, anyone got Hope Hicks cell #
Day drinking has severe consequences Manfred, take a lap!