By order of the Blog Father, I was sent on a special assignment. I literally went to hell and back (not with Gordon Ramsey) to bring you the following interview with recently deceased Iranian General, Qasem Soleimani, henceforth referred to as “Q”.
Trolls are known to live under bridges but with the right medicine man, we can even bridge between worlds. Anyway, with a little assist from The Chief, I descended into hell, and sat down for a hard-hitting interview that only the Troll can accomplish. We touched on many topics, and I can say I may have a future as a journalist! Here is the interview.
Troll: General, how are you?
Q: Good mourning western maggot.
Troll: How is life down here in Hell?
Q: It is so-so, I met some great people; Hitler, Stalin, Mussolini, Kim Jong Il, Saddam Hussain, and more. However, tell those idiot Democrats that I killed hundreds of thousands! It’s hard to make friends down here when they call me an innocent martyr!
Troll: How are the 72 virgins?
Q: They are all young boys! The only one happy down here is that Jeffrey Epstein! I never knew he was a Muslim! Lots of suicide bombers mad at me, telling me this isn’t what they signed up for!
Troll: You speak to Epstein often?
Q: Yes, he didn’t kill himself, he told me it was Hillary Clinton.
Troll: What was the last thing that went through your mind the day of your death?
Q: Well…a missile! Dumb infidel, but before that…I wondered why that idiot Abu Mohandis set his snapchat to public! That’s the reason I’m here!
Troll: Any topics off limits?
Q: None…I’m already in hell, can’t get much worse.
Troll: What was behind that 4.9 Earthquake near your nuclear power plant?
Q: Michael Moore was going to parachute in and assist us against Trump… apparently his chute didn’t open. The poor infidel. He bounced all the way to Pakistan.
Troll: We recently arrested “Jabba the Jihadi” what can you tell us about him?
Q: You caught him? Damn he was the nuclear weapon we had been working on for years to violate the UN deal! His gravitational pull and size could have wiped out San Francisco… would have ensured Trump’s re-election!
Troll: So, we caught a mastermind?
Q: Yes, and you got lucky it would have taken 15-20 missiles to destroy him.
Troll: What about the Iranian students refusing to stomp on the US and Israeli flags?
Q: Its ok, college students in California will do that instead.
Troll: What’s Saddam like?
Q: I was bored and suggested we play hangman, he was not happy.
Q: In addition, Gaddafi has cat fished me on Tindr twice… what kind of man pretends to be a goat! Man he pulled the wool over my eyes again.
Troll: I thought you would learn your lesson after matching with a missile on Tindr?
Q: Funny, watch your back little man…I can order a strike on your wife Hope Hicks at any time.
Troll: But you have no fingers?
Q: Point taken.
Troll: Who are the oddest folks in hell?
Q: Jim Jones keeps trying to buy me drinks… sorry buddy, I know too much about you. Also Ted Kennedy wtf, always offering me to ride with him in his Oldsmobile. Dude is always talking about sandwiches and offshore drilling.
Troll: Anything else you wish to pass on to the outside world?
Q: I have told Khameni I think the infidels are preparing a strike, if they drop that fat bastard Chris Christie on Tehran all will be lost. Oh, and Ted Bundy… he killed way more than the 30 he confessed to, he was inducted into the Hall of Flame here last week! That’s our highest recognition for people who never served in government. There’s a special place in Hell for us. Oh, and we have reduced the number of targets in the USA, we have discovered there is no intelligent life in Hollywood, Portland, or Seattle. And besides they like us there.
Troll: Anything else on the way out?
Q: I tried pork… my it is good, and bacon is amazing, pass along to the Muslims to try it! Also, they are building a skyscraper here for all the Clintons… they will live in infamy here! Also tell that Brock Turner kid, we are all waiting to kick his A** here in hell for what he did. Also pass on, we plan to kill the Democrats last! Also, does Bernie Sanders rub a balloon on his head before he appears in public… wow his hair is wild. Reminds me of the flames down here. Also, you say it’s the greatest invention since electricity all the time… why is this?
That Nancy Pelosi could not be more ugly! Sadly, paper bags don’t hold-up well down here so I think she will be in for an eternity of lonely Saturday nights.
Troll: Thanks for the info, any additional interviews planned?
Q: Yes, I am becoming a MSNBC contributor next week. Since the dead overwhelmingly vote Democrat, it only seems right.…. I plan to ask that Rachael Maddow if you hate white men so much why are you trying so hard to look like one?
Troll: Thanks again
Q: May Allah bless you with eternal life, also I wish you well in your three some with Hope Hicks and Jennifer Aniston! That white dress was really something.