News Reactions for May 2019 By Troll

“What’s up ya bastads. It’s me, the troll. My folks are gone for the three-day weekend, so I’m back for my take on the news that needs abuse.”

Rep. Jarrold Nadler faints while at a news conference with Bill De Blasio.

Jarrold Nadler takes a dive

I guess he was reacting live after reading the non-redacted Mueller Report!? Must stink when you pin all your hopes on collusion and its literally gone in a few minutes. I do hope he had to wait at the ER for 3 or 4 hours like the rest of us plebes living under Obamacare; at least then, he’d get a taste of his own medicine. Oh, wait, Congress exempts themselves from the same laws that they expect us to live under; especially when it comes to benefits and insider trading. You don’t really think they come out of Congress as millionaires because the salary is so great, do you? Also, that’s got to be a sociopathic move wearing your pants up to your pectorals, but maybe it’s a New Jersey fashion thing?

Rachel Madcow

Lastly, anyone want to take a bet that mad Rachel Maddow will report that Nadler hit the deck as the result of an older white male wearing a Make America Great Again hat brandishing a firearm?

Link: Congressman Nadler falls ill at Manhattan press conference/

Chelsea Manning sent back to prison.

Bradley/Chelsea binary manifestations of same person

The con artist pardoned by Obama Is headed back to the joint for refusing to testify against fellow Benedict Arnold, Julian Assange. This “person”, actually I should call Manning “a thing,” used to be an intelligence analyst for the army. Doesn’t seem too intelligent to me ignoring a Grand Jury’s order to testify but neither is chopping off your manhood. Manning will now head to jail, no word on which gender he/she/it will select or identify with while in prison, but I don’t think Obama can grant a pardon again!

You just can’t fix stupid and some people have a terminal case. Maybe an appropriate punishment would be having to live in Assange’s poop stained, dirty as hell room with no Internet in the Ecuadorian Embassy. Does our federal prison system cover a sex change if it decides it wants to become a man again or is that only in our fine correction system in here California? I hear California’s prisoner medical care is second only to that given to members of Congress. Regardless, I really wish this idiot would take a long walk off a short pier.

Link: Chelsea Manning sent back to jail for refusing to testify

WA State makes “natural burial” legal.

This is really bizarre; you can be ground up like hamburger and made into compost. This really is strange. Sounds like burial by The Sopranos.

Like how trippy would it be? Aunt Ethel dies, you get this compost, spread it around your cherry tree, and later harvest the fruit which is very bitter…just like Aunt Ethel! Or spread around your pot plants, and watch them die…how ironic would that be? How soon until this becomes the choice of serial killers all over the world? I can picture the call to police, “The dead person I’m reporting? She was adopted and I have no indication of any next of kin…grind‘em up please!” What if they did this to the guy who played fat bastard in Austin Powers?

Austin Powers fat bastard

Can you order your compost like you get ground beef? 93% lean or 80% lean? That state is trippy, and not just because they legalized pot. This seems like a great loophole for the mob to use.

Link: Ashes to Ashes. Dust to Dust. Or, in Washington State, You Could Now Be Compost.

Editor’s Note: This law sounds like a strange cross of Dorothea Puente and the movie Fargo. If only Dorothea had run the old people thru the woodchipper first and then planted them in her garden, she’d be righteous. Then she could have continued collection their Social Security just as long as the dead still voted Democrat. She was just ahead of the times. Speaking of that, Charlton Heston was a prophet of the future because now Soylent Green isn’t just people, its grandma.

Link: The House on F Street : Boardinghouse Murder Case Becomes a Nightmare for Landlord

Elephant Bar restaurant in Citrus Heights to close.

Elephant Bar in Campbell

I assume this means the bar part of the restaurant too? Is this discriminatory against fat people? They should be able to congregate somewhere too. I guess this means every brand with connections to the Republican Party (Elephant) is leaving California, what a sad time to be a member of that party in this state.

Mississippi state representative Doug Macleod punches his wife in the face after taking too long to undress to have intercourse with him.

This is the ultimate power move, talk about an Alpha male…. when the broads get out of line punch ‘em in the face! Don’t even stop to think that women have an extra article of clothing to remove, just punch ‘em! Or maybe this guy could mix in a little blue pill, and just seek medical assistance if it lasts longer than 4 hours! Imagine what this guy would do if he ordered a hooker….wow just wow. I’m sure the police report is pure gold…yeah, she took too long to remove her pants…so yeah, I punched her! I tell you what, if he did this to that little minx at the salsa bar, Johnny Does jail time would be an interesting blog…maybe William can suggest it?

Link: Lawmakers call for Mississippi rep’s resignation after he was accused of punching his wife

MLK made the Kennedy clan look good

The worst kept secret of the 20th Century is out again, a news story was published over the weekend that civil rights icon, Martin Luther King, cheated on his wife with 40 to 45 different women–many that the FBI has on tape. He also participated in orgies and rape. J. Edgar Hoover had him dead to rights, but I guess Attorney General, Bobby Kennedy, didn’t see what the big deal was.

FBI Director J. Edgar Hoover

The tape sounded like a typical weekend at the Kennedy Compound. Heck had things turned out differently, Uncle Teddy and Chris Dodd would probably invite King over to share a sandwich or two. Maybe Dr. King had a different dream that he never shared publicly about a blond, a redhead, and a brunet all peacefully frolicking together…. Anyway, King is quoted in the article as telling one of the women that what he was about to do was good for her soul. So, when she screams, “Oh, god” he adds his “Hallelujah”? Not letting reality get in the way of a useful narrative, I don’t think King will be added to the pound metoo list.

Link: The MLK tapes: Secret FBI recordings accuse Martin Luther King Jr of watching and laughing as a pastor raped a woman

Rich troll home in U.K.

That will do it for this installment of troll on the news. I’m going to head back under my bridge; hopefully a homeless man didn’t execute a hostile takeover since I left!

Disclaimer: this is a mostly satirical reaction by a fake journalist to real news.