Excusing People
Train up a child in the way he should go:
And when he is old, he will not depart from it.
Proverbs 22:6.
As Dr. Kenneth Gentry pointed out when commenting on this verse, the training in this verse is not that of following God but the opposite; it is the child deciding how he shall go and when he is old, he will not depart from it. Thus, if a child is not taught to obey but is allowed to stay in his rebellion, when he is old then he will not depart from his wayward ways. Thus, such a child will not follow God’s Law but will be ruled by his belly. When he is old, he will decide based on his personal morality which is arbitrary and situational.
When a three-year-old behaves wrongly it might be cute or laughable but when that same three-year-old is thirty and acting the same way, it is a tragedy. It is worse when such a person has family members that make excuses for them as to why they don’t have to grow up during the intervening years.
As stated often and elsewhere on the blog, the Bible teaches that the compassion of the wicked is cruelty. Sometimes parents would rather enable the rebellious child than correct them. They make excuses and justify why Johnny doesn’t have to behave in age-appropriate ways. In our society, enabling bad behavior is often called a disability. With the right form or diagnosis, people get exempted. This pushes them off to the side and out of the way of society. They get to play the sympathy card whenever they are called out for improper behavior.
Once such rebellious children move out of the house, they still expect their family to make excuses for them. They weren’t expected to grow up when living at home so why is that different once they are living on their own.
♬ It’s All About Me ♬ It’s All About Me ♬
Thou shalt not curse the deaf, nor put a stumblingblock before the blind …
Leviticus 19:14.
In my own experience, it was the violation of this Biblical Law that was the straw that broke the proverbial back of the camel. My wife had fallen at work and hurt her back. She was only able to move around the house in a walker and with great difficulty. Her adult child claimed that it was too difficult to put her crap in her room and generally keep her stuff picked up. Instead, she threw stuff in the common areas of the house and didn’t care about where they went. She demanded the right to put obstacles in the pathway of her injured mother. When told of her lack of consideration, she threw a huge tantrum. She was OK with putting hazards in the way of her mother and causing her mother to trip. Which did in fact happen.
This child refused any correction and repeatedly rebuffed expectations to act in age-appropriate ways. She demanded to do only the things that she felt like doing, which was close to nothing, and be exempted from all else. Her excuse was that “it was too many rules to learn.” NO, it was common courtesy for others.
It was during this period that her mom decided that since her daughter would not abide by the rules of our household that she needed to move out. I allowed myself to be the villain in this drama. I did in fact oppose the daughter moving out but whenever it was me or the children, I always lost, even when I was right. Note to readers, it’s more important to save the marriage than be right.
Allowing the child to move out was pivotal in destroying the relationship that we once had with her. Sadly, too many years of enabling bad behavior by excusing it had created a firestorm that could no longer be contained.
Emboldened by the newfound independence that she experienced, it was not too long before the pastor of the church summoned me to Nouthetic counseling with said child. I attended several sessions with both the pastor and this child. Oh, with Nouthetic counseling please understand that it was decided ahead of time that I was in sin and had committed some grave error that only they could correct. The weird part was that never once during these sessions was I told why I was there. Neither my wife nor I ever knew. Believe me, I asked my wife more than once.
Anyway, towards the end of these sessions, I was expected to apologize for whatever I had done to said child to cause offense. Again, I was never told, it was just assumed. Folks, I gave her the most sincere and heartfelt apology that I have ever done in my life. I verbally did what the Japanese used to do in real life, I fell on the sword, disemboweled myself, and then removed my head.
In a normal reconciliation situation, once a party apologizes, the other person is expected to confess their sins as well and then having been forgiven, we turn over a new leaf and try restoring the relationship; however … not this child.
Crickets.
One thing this child will not and never has done is apologize for anything. Oh, and for the record, “I’m sorry” is not a proper or biblical apology.
And the son said unto him, Father, I have sinned against heaven, and in thy sight, and am no more worthy to be called thy son.
Luke 15:21.
When her turn came to apologize, nothing. In her mind, she has no faults, shortcomings, or sins. She judges everything by the measure of herself, thus there is no fault. Error is only found in the rest of us for falling short of her glory.
It was the outcome of these counseling sessions that my wife and I forever lost our daughter.
Why Vent now
Oh, why am I venting on this now? Said child recently had a baby. I was hoping to offer an olive branch to her and her husband and go visit the child next week. Nieve me. I was hoping this would be a chance to begin again. However, I was informed via email last night that I am an evil influence and can’t be allowed around her child until such time as she is convinced that I have been rehabilitated and found worthy.
I fired off a response a few hours after I returned home last night. Essentially, I quoted Scripture and said take the beam out of your own eye and then we can attend to mine.
When people think their shit doesn’t stink, there’s not much you can do.
Only when you treat others as fellow image bearers of God can you hope for reconciliation. Scripture wants us to walk a few miles in the other person’s shoes and acknowledge our faults. Some people aren’t willing to do that.
Reconciliation is her choice and it always has been. She is unwilling to forgive. She would rather be angry and offended. I can only conclude that she doesn’t know what love is.
In her letter last night, she mentioned that I talk about her on the blog. I do but only because she doesn’t allow communication with her directly. Please note that I do not use the names of any of the children—all adults—on my blog.
I don’t need a relationship with her, if I had one it would enrich my life just a little but again, it’s not my choice.
Hatred of Mom
What does really grate on me is the lack of love that she showed to her mother. Her mother bent over backwards to do things for her, but all mom got in return was to be despised and discarded. Seeing my wife go through that was inexcusable. There is a verse in the Bible that talks about God saving all our tears in a bucket, if that’s really true then my wife has a whole room of tears in buckets. There were so many times that she wept bitterly over the despicable treatment that she was given by her daughter. So many sleepless nights. So many prayers to God to repair the torn relationship. Sadly, it never got better.
Mom went to her grave without properly reconciling with her daughter. It was mom’s hope and mine that maybe if her daughter became a mother that she might see how horribly she treated her mother. It’s been a year since mom died but her daughter hasn’t changed. The motherhood thing is new for her, but I doubt it will be a catalyst for the hoped change.
My wife died hoping that somehow her death would cause her children to seek God and healing for the things broken in their lives. One year later, I’m still hoping that wish would be reality.
Conclusion
Apparently, some people would rather cling to their trespasses and sin, even some that claim the name of Christ. Love is dying to yourself and putting others first. So is being a parent. Loving a child requires sacrificial love. When your child despises the sacrifices made on their behalf, it’s tragic.
I love my wife’s three children. They all need God’s healing touch but in very different ways. The truth is that we all do.