This clear reference to the movie War Games (1983) should be rather obvious. The point of the movie was that when faced with nuclear war, the best move was not to play. Of course, the movie was made while Ronald Reagan was President. Liberals hated Reagan and thought him a warmongering “cowboy” for opposing the Soviet Union; a government that many of them admired. War Games got a very lengthy standing ovation when it premiered at the Canne Film Festival.
While invoking War Games might seem a stretch to some, my conclusion when analyzing my current conflict with my church was that there is a life lesson to be found in the idea that sometimes avoiding a confrontation is best. Anyone that is happily married knows what I mean.
I originally drafted this blog just a few hours before appearing before my church’s board. If you find me changing time tenses, that is probably why.
In their particular parlance, this group is called “The Session”. They are the judicial body of my local congregation. These are the guys that meet out justice as they see fit. Twice in the last year they have excommunicated members for adultery and followed it up by declaring the other spouse fit to remarry. Except for politicians and country music singers, adultery is usually viewed as something bad. Having this group taking an interest in my love life is not a good sign.
I have had friends excommunicated from their churches for dating women from the wrong or unapproved church denomination before. I have seen abuse of heavy-handed dealings with folks for just being honest that they wanted to leave and go to a different church. I have even seen pronouncements of excommunication for people that never attended services and were certainly never church members. My wife and I have also been beaten up by churches that we have attended in the past. I made a vow that I would never again yield any part of my life to one of these judicial boards or to a pastor in any church. I will never voluntarily put myself on any path that might ever lead to church discipline or excommunication, never ever!
I repeatedly told these guys that I am perfectly willing to discuss my relationship with my girlfriend over a meal at any local watering hole but that I do not want to appear before “The Session.” If I’m called before a judicial body to give an account of my personal life, then I’m in trouble. That seems obvious to me.
They keep saying that they “have a few questions” for me. Hey guys, you know where I live, you have my phone number, and email address. I’m retired and don’t have much of a life so I’m rather available for a casual lunch or dinner.
But No. It must be ASAP, and it must be before this body; then they say I have nothing to worry about! Guys, I wasn’t born yesterday. This cover story is not credible. If they want to speak with me, the church is having a Christmas potluck in a few days, why not ask me your questions there?
If I go to this meeting and then answer their questions, then obviously they will then draw a conclusion from the information that I provide, and then the next step is a determination. Determination is another word for rendering judgement. Any judgment issued will then include a follow-up to their conclusion to see if I’m obeying them or going a different way. If I go a different way, then it is implied that they will then jerk my chain and I will again have to appear before them. Thus, like most things in life, my appearance is not a destination but the beginning of a process with no clear or predefined endpoint. This sounds like politics to me.
Oh, what about Matthew 18: 15-17 about going to your brother if he has a fault. Well, that doesn’t apply. First, because I haven’t offended anybody in my congregation, unless not liking me dating someone is a crime, and second because there is an exception to this biblical mandate in the Book of Discipline. If “The Session” originates the charge against someone then the process in Matthew is not required.
Also, did you know that there is no Fifth Amendment in the Bible? Yep, you can be hung on the basis of your own words. So even if they don’t have anything on me when I walk in the door, they can hang me on the basis of what I say in their presence. Thus, the command to appear before them is a fishing license to find a charge to hit me with. To appear is to grant them a blank check to find a charge even where none existed before.
Oh, on a previous post on this subject, an anonymous comment was made that I did not allow on the blog just because it was not signed. Said comment quoted a verse in Proverbs. I would like to comment on that verse now.
Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety. Proverbs 11:14.
First, the verse is directed at leaders of men, would it be a stretch to think this is advice from one king (Solomon) to another (like maybe his sons). But let’s allow that all folks need counselors and see if it applies in this situation.
Are the men in my church that are on “The Session” my trusted friends that really know me and what’s on my heart?
Is this situation a meeting of equals?
Do I see these guys as my circle of counselors?
Nope. Just because someone knows my name does not make them my friend. My wife may have felt that way about everyone that she met, but I do not. I’ve had a handful of true friends in my life; probably about ten individuals. With the exception of the Sith Lord, who dumped me when I was no longer useful to him, I’ve kept the rest of them in my life. True, I don’t see my friends every day or even every year, but our lives are linked, and I trust them and our relationship goes on. When we are together, we pick up right where we left off the last time that we were together.
There is only one guy in my congregation that I am friendly with, and he is not on this board. He also does not know, or even want to know, all the nitty gritty details of my life. We have some things in common and as a result, spend time together. I would describe him as a casual friend.
This is not to say that I dislike the other men in my church; it’s that we have never gotten to know each other very well. We are not actively part of each other’s lives. It is something between presumption and hubris for them to claim to act as my counselors when I appear before them assembled as “The Session.”
No, in “The Session,” they are my betters, and I am the inferior person. This is not a meeting of Christian brothers, equals, or friends. By its very nature, this is an adversarial meeting.
When I walked into the meeting today, I greeted the four people in attendance and shook their hands. The guy from Boise didn’t make the meeting but after about a ten-minute delay, the other fellow finally logged in on Zoom. Once all five people were assembled, the meeting was opened. I was invited to join them at the table, but I did not. Instead, I announced that I was resigning my membership. One of the people then quipped, but you have to appear here because you’re a member. Then I said, “I’m not doing this” and left.
Just so you know, I spent the better part of a week crafting this long speech about my relationship with my girl and all the pertinent details that I was going to offer as a defense and I scrapped it completely. Yep, nine pages of reasoning and airtight logic that will never see the light of day unless I post it separately (which I currently have no plans to do).
So why just quit?
First, they are wrong and out of line. While true, I know I can never convince them of that or this blog post would never exist.
Second, I would rather part as casual friends than adversaries or combatants.
Third, this is a really small town, and we all need to continue to live here after this is over. Folks, most guys living here won’t believe it, but there are high schools in other states that have a bigger population than this town. 2,300 is not a lot of people to be rubbing shoulders with on a daily basis.
Fourth, why should I stay in a group that is hell bent on stringing me up? If I dodge the gallows this time, what will prevent them from trying it again in the future? If not me, then who will they go after next?
Lastly, the closer I got to this meeting, the more the scares of my previous dust-up in a Presbyterian church began to open. Unresolved wounds are the ones you carry the deepest hoping to suppress them. When they burst forth and the new situation is pumping vast amounts of salt into them, the more the pain is renewed and intensified. This steeled my resolve that I would not willingly enter into another opportunity for a church’s leadership to sit in judgement of me. Were my wife still alive, I believe she would support me in this feeling (of course, we’re here because she is not).
This whole thing is so stupid. The church has already lost about one third of their membership this year (this is a conservative estimate) and they want to cap off the year with my scalp too. They are bleeding members and money. Maybe they need to get a clue that some things are not right. Again, they can never be convinced of that and it’s not my job.
In summary, had they come to me as a fellow brother in Christ and not treated me as their inferior, I might be there next Sunday. They have wasted the greatest advantage that they once had, goodwill and trust. Sadly, that has been laid waste because they were too proud to ask me out for a casual meal and then speak their mind.