June 27, 2019 – Really Right

by Troll

Rob Manfred is Commissioner of Major League Baseball; a declining sport with plenty of pressing issues. This week he decided to play politician regarding the Tampa Bay Rays.

Tampa Bay was founded as an expansion team in 1995, and after years of being as hapless as possible, they finally got good. Problem is they have needed a new stadium for years. They play in an antiquated circus dome, featuring 4 catwalks, (would love to see Ms. Hicks strut her stuff on one) hitting a ball off two of these is a home run, the other two means the ball is in play and it causes great confusion. They also play on AstroTurf that has been described as a thin piece of cloth with concrete under it, causing the ball to take awkward kangaroo hops in random directions.

However, to the point of this article, Manfred has been trying to get the Rays a new stadium for years. Attendance has been horrible since they came into the league…probably because people wonder how you can play this sport in a body of water (Tampa Bay). Tampa and their owner have been very stingy about wanting to pay for a new stadium so as a result the owner has teased about relocating to other cities…Portland, Nashville, Mexico City etc. Baseball wants to expand but cannot do this until Oakland and Tampa Bay get new ballparks.

While pondering league expansion, Manfred apparently picked up a large bottle of booze (or magic mushrooms from Oakland) and after a 72 hour bender, he thought this would be a good idea. He attempted to imitate the great feat of wisdom shown by the biblical King Solomon when he declared that two mothers split the same baby. Lord Manfred said the Rays could explore playing in two different towns during the same season, actually he green lighted it if the Rays so agree. His idea…play one half of the season in Tampa, and the other half in Montreal…which by the way lost their team a while back due to attendance issues. Since Montreal is seen as a frontrunner to get a new team, he wants to see how attendance goes.

This is literally one of the stupidest things I have ever heard. He wants the players, many of whom do not live in the town they play in on anything more than a seasonal basis, to have to buy another place in Montreal? Does he realize how far Montreal is from Tampa, Florida? (1,491 miles) How could a team possibly try to recruit players to join it when you will now have Canadian taxes charged to your paycheck as well? The travel schedule will be brutal! This has to be one of the worst ideas; seriously I’m still waiting for him to walk it back and say he was blitzed when he came up with it.

My Idea:

Baseball plays 162 games a year, half of which being home games, so 81….who gets the 41st game Montreal or Tampa? I say screw it, let’s do a mashup, first 4.5 innings in Tampa, then both teams get on planes, go through customs and play the second half of said game in Montreal, on the same day mind you! That would be bananas! Like a 7 hour layover between pitches….what a time to be alive! As far as the name of this team? I would go with the Tampa Bay Ex-Rays of Montreal. Thus paying homage to the former name of the Expos, yet combining with the Rays name. The Ex-Rays is also a homage to all the retired people in Florida. The team’s jersey should be a mashup too, half Expos-half Rays, and under the English words, put a translation in French Canadian! Pay the players in American dollars for the first half of said game, then upon conclusion, a check in Canadian Loons!

Market this game as the Equinox, playing half the day in USA and the second half in Canada! Both cities are known for being the strip club capitals of their respective countries…I would play this up big time! Lose the foul pole, replace with a stripper pole, instant entertainment and a great reason to go to the game! You could easily have promotions of father/daughter amateur day at the park, where you get a free ticket if she struts her stuff! The team could even call it career day…I mean really work that angle here man…gotta prepare people for a future career! Why wait to payoff that student loan debt? Personally, I reject the notion that robots are better companions than people.

Rather than call the private boxes at the ballpark “suites,” I would call them “penthouses,” get your entertainment in multiple ways at said game. Heck this idea could revolutionize the seventh inning stretch, just look at what Colin Kaepernick did for the national anthem; except this would be a move in a more positive and friendly direction. It would promote friendship by bring people together and who’s opposed to that?

I would call the bars “The Library” where scantily clad women serve drinks and perform…think about this….don’t dismiss the idea…tell your wife/girl/spouse you’re going to the library! Think about it again…girls could tell their parents they have a job working at the library…boom instant alibi. How about Tinder or Ashley Madison night…you can rent a one bed penthouse by the hour, or minute? If you make it on the Jumbotron screen during the stretch maybe you could get a free round for the penthouse. The more the merrier.

We aren’t male chauvinists here at Really Right. We are ok with equal opportunity, so we will have Grindr night as well…hell one of baseball’s expressions is “pulling the ball!” Not to be outdone, we are developing an app for ladies, Munchr, again a famous expression in baseball…”go the other way”….equal opportunity here man! Attendance would skyrocket and this thing will work. I’m quitting my job as an unpaid blogger and going to pitch this thing to MLB. Sex sells man, play this thing up! I mean think of what my girl Hope Hicks could do there.

Blogger’s epilogue: This is literally the stupidest idea I’ve heard in a while. Look at Manfred, this guy is a Muppet. Why don’t you deal with steroids, apathy, and horrible attendance you dumb Muppet. By the way, anyone got Hope Hicks cell #

Day drinking has severe consequences Manfred, take a lap!

Troll

Recently my father-in-law decided to downsize from a three-bedroom house to a one-bedroom condo. As a result, our family became the beneficiaries of several pieces of furniture. Moving said furniture items from the East Bay to Elk Grove required that we rent a vehicle large enough to do it in one move. Like millions of Americans, we looked to U-Haul.

My wife went on the internet to make the arrangements. We decided to pick up the vehicle near our point of origin and then return it to a location near our house. My wife selected the ten-foot-long truck. Upon review of the dimensions of the vehicle and the furniture, I had her upgrade the vehicle size to one fifteen feet in length about five days before the move.

On the day of the move, we discovered that the pick-up location had been changed to one about eight miles further away. When we arrived to pick-up the rental truck, we were asked where to drop-off the truck. Apparently, the location near our home was not open on Sundays so I had to pick a place further from our home. We selected one that was open Sundays from 9 AM to 4 PM. We signed the paperwork and were off on the moving adventure.

Five of us loaded the truck in about an hour. After eating lunch and touring the new place with grandpa, we headed back to Elk Grove. We got home just after 5 PM and unloaded the truck. Shortly after 6 PM we had emptied the vehicle. As far as we could tell, all the U-Haul locations near us were closed so we got ready to drop-off the truck on Sunday morning as scheduled.

I took the truck to Safeway for fuel because it was the cheapest gasoline that I could buy on the route to the rental place. Not being familiar with the vehicle, I overfilled the gas tank from the level required on the contract.

I then drove to the special U-Haul location that was open at this time of the morning on a Sunday to drop off the truck. I followed my GPS instructions to the letter. I ended up at a place with Tattoo painted on it in 2 ½ foot letters.

This place was supposedly an auto repair business. The building was buttoned-up tighter than a … (sorry no metaphor really comes to mind so make one up yourself). All the rolling doors were shut, and all the walk doors were too. On the paper from U-Haul it said call this phone number when you arrive. I called the number and it tried to go to voicemail but couldn’t because the voice mailbox was not set-up.

OK, so the business is closed, no one answers the phone number provided by U-Haul, oh, and I had 45 minutes to turn the truck in or I would be charged another day’s rental. The building had two small U-Haul signs on it, so I knew it was the right place. Upon further examination, there was a U-Haul logo near one of the walk doors, this was a key drop. (Tiny white box on wall behind white car in center of above photo.)The key drop had a sign above it with a URL to go on the internet and return the truck.

I entered the URL in my fancy Samsung phone. It asked me for my last name and a phone number. As I began to click thru the prompts, the program sent a confirmation code to me via text message. I entered the code that was supposed to let me begin the return process and then I got kicked completely out of the program. This happened three times.

In desperation, I tried calling another U-Haul location, but they too were closed. I began looking thru the text messages from U-Haul looking for a lifeline. I found a link in one of the messages sent before I picked up the truck. It was a direct link to the return process. Finally, I could begin the self-check-in.

The check-in process was multiple pages of yes or no questions mixed with requests to take photos of various types related to the truck and upload them directly to U-Haul. Once I had completed what I thought was the process, I got hit with another screen. This one for going over the mileage. The overage in mileage was due to the moving of pick-up and drop-off locations.

Interestingly, none of the photos taken with this U-Haul provided URL were stored on my phone. They were uploaded and then gone.

So, from the time I was handed the keys to the truck, I never interacted with another human again., U-Haul never told us that humans were irrelevant to the rental return process, not even the biker looking guy that handed us the keys.

Total cost from Pleasanton to Elk Grove $376

Truck Rental $312
Gasoline $55
Over mileage charge $9

So, if you’re looking for an adventure in moving, be sure you have patience and a good internet signal. You’ll need it.

Day: June 27, 2019

Rob Manfred MLB Commissioner: Confirmed Day Drinker

U-Haul Unexpected Adventures in Moving